My soul searching - why I feel like I'm simply not from here

When I came across the concept of starseeds/starchildren and the like it hit a certian chord with me. I'm not sure exactly why. At first, the concept of being an alien seemed very weird. Until I realized that many of the descriptions seem to fit me.


So I'll just go over some of them and how I feel it relates.


Since I was very little, I knew that life existed elsewhere. This was before anyone had any real influence over me outside my parents. My mind only changed during my teenage years when I was heavily into Christianity. But... in the back of my mind, I knew that it might not be right. Later on, I just kind of accepted that life very well could exist. Why would humans be the only life out there in a vast and expansive universe? It just doesn't make sense!  I never had any visitations that I vividly remember, although I know that visitations are stored in the subconscious. I do remember at about the age of 3 or 4 seeing a figure at the edge of my bed. It was a female and had hair. But I could only see the shadow. I may have very very vauge memories of seeing Zetas, but I don't know entirely. I am now fully convinced that there is life in great abundance in the universe.


I've constantly been on a mission of soul-searching. Trying to figure out who I am. While other girls my age were trying to impress boys, I spent a lot of time within and with nature. I felt like I really had to know more about myself... but not on a level of what I like doing, what I want to do for the rest of my life... more like "Who am I?" and "What is my purpose?" Though I never really questioned things like "What is the meaning of life?" or things like that. I just kind of always knew that life exists to learn and to love.


I always wanted to find a sense of belonging, a place or a group of people where I am totally accepted. Just when I thought I'd found it, I'd find myself an outcast. I had very few friends. Although I do have a good deal of people who I really like being around, I find that I just don't have anyone CLOSE. Aside from my soon to be husband. I'm always the last person picked, although I am the most wholeheartedly loyal. I'd do anything for anyone and stand up for them. Sometimes it REALLY hurts to see a friend choose someone who would hurt, lie, and use and abuse them to get some kind of advantage. I never understood this.  Although there have been many times where I've had my wrongdoings, or I say things I shouldn't... I know that with many people they don't feel the remorse immediately afterward.


I never understood people's power games. Why even the kids that were teased horribly in school would make my life a living hell just to make them look better? Why not band together and help eachother out? No. Nobody wanted anything to do with me. For this reason, my childhood was particularly difficult.


My teenage years weren't bad. Infact, I think they were some of the best years of my life. I had many friends although I wasn't popular. I did everything I loved doing, performing mainly. I went to every dance and any social event. I had friends I'd hang out with at the mall, have sleepovers, and I'd constantly have fun. Although there were difficult and trying times, they were the best of times. This kind of carried on into college for a short while... but then I went back to soul-searching, withdrawl, feeling the pressing need to wake up and smell the coffee.


I drifted away from the Church. I knew in my heart that God was VERY real. Jesus' message was real and true! However, he was not the only one who had it right. There were many more to follow. I realized how much religion manipulated the message in order to control and dominate the masses out of fear. Along with that, Christianity believes it holds the key to salvation. Yet... every denomination has it's own twist on the message and specific rules/rituals. Doctrines doctrines doctrines. Obey obey obey! It became too much. I couldn't take it. Beyond that, certian experiences with people made it very difficult to continue. I began researching issues of the illuminati, and various conspiracy theories. Sometimes even scaring myself over it. But I knew this held some truth as well. I found it interesting that it had very real connections to religion itself.


I have always been clumsy, awkward, and I find myself floundering around, feeling weighted down... heavy. My fiance makes fun of me for "staggering" around while I walk. My steps are short and heavy, kind of like being in water up to your neck for a long period of time and you get out of the pool. I won the award for "worst marcher" for 4 years in high school marching band. I didn't think I was that bad, but maybe I was. I always have a look of "I'm lost" and "I'm confused" on my face, even though I'm not.


I never felt the desire to climb the corporate ladder. I hate the educational system, although I love to learn and absorb knowledge. I can't STAND working a job. Although I am happy to work and be busy. People always thought this was a lack of motivation or laziness. But I've always known there is something more out there. However, money is the way of this world, so I HAVE to do it. In the past while I was living with my parents, I would work for a year or two, get to the point where I couldn't take it there any longer and leave. I'd make money doing whatever I could, and then eventually find another job. Rinse and repeat.  Now that I live with someone else and I actually have to pay bills, I have no other option.  Also for some reason, "real jobs" don't seem to fall into my lap despite all my efforts. All of this seems pointless. I just don't have the desire to follow the status quo. I am more than just my employment you know?


There's a lot of other small oddities that I could mention... such as affecting street lights and the like... but there we have it. XD


Although I don't think my body temperature is lower. I am sensitive to temperature. I can't STAND extreme cold. However, I actually prefer heat over cold. Though my preferred temps are between 65-85. Hotter than that, and I try to avoid being out in the heat unless I can be in the water or in the AC.  But I would much rather have 100 degrees than 20. So I'm not sure.

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Comment by Bryan Ocasio on January 8, 2014 at 12:32pm

As i was reading this i was getting the chills. I was reading my personality in someone else's words and as a female. Today i read this and had to open an account just to comment on this. I can't keep a job because my anxiety gets the best of me eventually. I have told some close people that i do feel like i don't belong here and don't know what my purpose is. High school days were the best, and had a good amount of friends. I messed up a relationship with a good friend because i found out his gf was cheating and i ended up sending her an angry message since she use to be a good friend of mine. Knowing that someone is intentionally fucking up with someones feelings (which everyone's feelings are all fucked up deeply as it is) just stirs me up inside. I have always been clumsy and people thing i'm always dumber than i really am. Its that "confused" look you could say, when i just always get lost in my deep thoughts. I guess i let people think i'm that dumb stoner, but nobody realized i'm more aware than they think. I have always begged for a sign to what i'm suppose to be doing, cause i always feel as if i'm just wasting my time. I guess with my music i will try to do what i can to try to open some eyes, maybe they can feel the expression i feel and connect. That's all i could think of for now. Today i have been searching more to see who else has similar views and i'm glad i came across this article. Good to be assured you're not experiencing those feelings alone


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