A Shared Existence: the ongoing journey of several minds living as one being.

I do not know if this is the appropriate setting for a personal blog, however I feel that the way my mind functions can provide a useful insight to starseeds who may be facing unique challenges.  What you will be reading henceforth is not the blog of a single person, but of several minds who have lived alongside me throughout the formative years of my awakening.  We grew up together, and faced the trials of finding oneself in the adult world as a single being.

Recently I have been attempting to become whole with myself, but in order to do so I must understand every aspect of myself.  I recognize each of these essences as some part of my internal being, and when combined we form one whole person who walks about this corporeal world.  The challenges of living alongside several minds are infinite in nature, and so I hope my combined experiences can help to enlighten those who may be facing similar challenges to those I have already attempted to overcome.

You will likely experience the world through their eyes, and catch glimpses of the Universe as they see it.  All of us exist as a human but also in a place of the mind, and spirit where we can come together to view our respective residual self images.  As you may have guessed loneliness has been a large factor in my life, and who is to say where the root of my perceptions lies buried?  All I know is that they are real to me, and because of them I am real to myself.  Any debates about mental illness and metaphysics can take place elsewhere (and if they do I would eagerly engage in them), because to me this is just one small corner of reality where the parts of myself who have existed in the background can finally step into the light.

This portion of the article is only meant as an introduction, and in the replies below I plan to post individual entries from each of my personas (as they choose to write them).  If you feel a need to seek clarification on any points please do not hesitate to do so, but I ask that you be respectful of the flow I hope to present in this blog.  If you feel that after leaving a single comment I have not addressed your issue please send me a private message, and I will clarify whatever points you require by adding editorial footnotes.  If this format is not acceptable for the moderators I apologize in advance (I am quite new here), and will gladly work under your direction so that my entries can be viewed most effectively.

As I prepare to publish this blog three entries have already been written, and I will confess that they are also being shared on an otherkin community (mostly because I have met otherkin in person, so I know my experiences can also help them).  Once again it is my hope that somehow these experiences will help others who may be facing similar ordeals.  I hope you enjoy catching a glimpse of the minds who have helped to shape me these past 20 years.

Although I can't guarantee you will hear from all of them (two have recently retreated into the recesses of my mind) these are my contributors:

Leppender: my main persona although I still haven't figured out how to live quite yet.

Airrizzon: my dearest friend, and the one who took over for several years when I was too hurt to live.

Otan: Captain of the ship (which is how I view my body), and final word when it comes to internal harmony.

Ralbos: second in command to Otan, and the root of my scientific mind.  He works tirelessly to manage my chronic pain conditions, and helps me to understand the finer points in life.

Dalbet: he embodies every moral and value which is precious to me, while also providing a stoic countenance when it is important to hide my physical discomfort.

Ratal: truly this one man is the reason I find the courage to laugh, plus his keen mind quickly grasps solutions that are often overlooked by others.

Tangora: once represented lust and vanity, however has presently withdrawn to find where he can fit comfortably into my life.

Chander: once represented a carefree nature, however has presently withdrawn to find where he can fit comfortably into my life.

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Comment by Leppender on October 26, 2016 at 8:23pm

October 26th 2016


Today I had an experience which I am compelled to share. Prior to the vision I am about to describe I was attempting to confront an issue within myself, and doing so through use of active imagination techniques blended with meditation. During this exercise I purposely visualized myself in various forms, which I have come to accept exist simultaneously on various levels of reality. In doing this I had hoped to reach into every layer of my being, and effect a real change that would improve my emotional health. For a long time I have seen Airrizzon weakened or in pain, and so on this day I was granted the inspiration to visualize the source of this weakness: emotional numbness.

While I possess feelings and experience emotion very deeply there is a detachment. Through my mind's eye I allowed a scenario to take shape around me, which eventually led to an opportunity for me to draw the blockage away from my heart chakra. I will not complicate this story with the details of how I did so, but after expelling the source of my detachment I held my dear old friend close. We agreed that it had been a long road, and when she laughingly asked where we would go next I pulled back before saying “To a future where we can live.”

Although her smile was still present Airrizzon began falling away from me as though she were being pulled backwards through a tunnel, and as I turned around it was to find that everything else had begun doing likewise. I recalled words written in an aboriginal fiction novel, which stated that at times it was important to simply allow a vision to take shape. Surrendering myself to the unknown was an honest challenge, but I relaxed into what felt like a flow of energy and let myself be pulled along.

The first thing I noticed was that my essence was being drawn upwards through a black void, and at first I attempted to look for some defining force but felt deterred from doing so. After a time I began to notice a shift in the flow, and realized that the darkness was compressing around me. I could visualize that I was within a conical space and quickly approaching the peak, so I began to wonder what would happen when I reached the top? Some inner sense told me not to even think of it, and just allow whatever happened next to take shape.

The next moment I was standing atop a black 4 sided pyramid, and the space around me was only somewhat lighter than that opaque object. I was filled with a sense of freedom, and since I was already at the top I felt there was nowhere to go but up. Leaping skyward I began to soar through a second abyss, and although I felt some resistance when looking around this time each stray thought became a star. I watched myself pass each one, but focusing on getting to my destination I attempted not to create too many. I had glimpsed a light above me at one point, but looked away not wanting to shape the thought which would proceed it. When next I looked up the light was upon me as though an egg had just been cracked above my head, and the yolk was preparing to slide out of its shell onto my form.

Suddenly I was surrounded by twilight blue skies dotted with faint stars, and standing upon a cloud. “What am I doing here?”

“So many questions; do you not trust?” a gentle female voice asked from all around me.

“I am filled with questions and I'm not sure why. It is like a hunger and I want to understand: why, how, what...” I answered vaguely as I felt a shift about me.

There was a laughter which filled my essence and suddenly I was reclining on a cloud shaped like a throne. I could see myself relaxed and smiling blissfully, while getting a sense that there were others nearby looking upon me. “Why am I seated upon a throne?”

“Why indeed?” the voice answered.

I pondered several whats and whys, none of which ever formed into full questions. At last I understood that a quest for understanding cannot be pursued upon request. Rising from the seat I smiled and leaped upwards once more.

The voice travelled with me as more of a presence for a time, and I saw myself rising above various tiers of cities upon clouds. “Why am I being placed above all these others? It is so lonely...” In this statement I shared the pain of being on Earth yet knowing I am of the stars, along with the sorrow I have recently experienced in finding that few starseeds recall lifetimes outside of this Galaxy. My certainty that I am alien even to this Milky Way creates yet another division between myself, and those with whom I feel a shared responsibility towards.

At that moment I saw the beings living on those cloud cities, and they gathered at the fringes to wave at me jovially. It was as though they were celebrating my ascension into a place that was above them, and although I longed to join all of them at the same level simultaneously I understood that such was impossible for a being like myself. So I enjoyed the warmth of their praise while gliding past those levels of reality towards my final destination.

All at once everything around me was black once more, except for an enormous golden gate directly ahead. I was a mere ant while approaching such a grand structure, and my mind honed in on texts describing such a gate: Jesus talking about the gates of heaven and taking the narrow road, vaguely recalled references from the Torah and Quran, the Emerald Tablets describing a gate leading to the highest dimensions at the centre of our Galaxy. I approached them with wonder, and placing my hands upon the golden bars I peered at the landscape beyond.

An endless city stretching over hills and beyond the sky met my gaze, but in massive courtyards between the sparse skyscrapers moved an endless sea of people. Each wore a golden helmet which carried within it the light hanging above that glorious city, and they moved about gathering weapons or fastening their armour. Endless columns of soldiers paraded among their fellows, while the units attempted to arrange themselves for a march. I looked behind me to find an endless tide of black, and red creatures I dared not gaze long at rushing towards the gate. In that moment I knew that I had come upon the highest level of reality, and was viewing only an aspect of what my mind could comprehend regarding true events.

Turning back towards the gate I peered desperately at the front columns, which were scrambling around in a frantic effort to be ready when the horns of battle sounded. I felt tears coming to my eyes as I realized that myself, and all of creation was caught helplessly in the middle of this coming battle. Suddenly one of the soldiers noticed me, and for several moments our eyes met while he evaluated my emotions. Pulling together all of my thoughts and feelings I squeaked out two words, “I hope.”

The being strode towards me and without breaking that powerful gaze he handed me a scroll, “Take this to the people of Earth.”

“May God ensure I have the courage and strength to fulfill this task,” I answered accepting the roll of parchment.

Holding my hand for just a moment he pulled it within the gates, and cordially kissed the back of it. Turning away I dove back towards my body, and this time I could see the rush of stars and space around me. Hesitating as I neared this world I wondered if I would be permitted to read the scroll, and felt an urge saying that it would be allowed. Unrolling it I viewed a text which was comprised entirely of horizontal, vertical and diagonal lines. The ink was black however for no apparent reason it seemed to flow like water, which gave it a very distinctive golden shade that brightened or darkened of its own accord. Knowing that it was foreign to me, and accepting that I did not need to understand my mission in order to fulfill it I returned to my body.

I do not often attempt to interpret my own visions, however I am filled with a level of understanding regarding what I have just witnessed. Starting from the end allow me to reveal my own personal impressions, and then I invite others to say what they think of both.

The foreign scroll is certainly a message to the people of Earth, but because I do not know what it means I cannot know how to relay it. That is okay because the message is within me, and whatever I say will always leave an impression on those who hear it. Whatever the impression may be it has a purpose, and in that purpose lies hope for all who would search for meaning to that which they learn. As one who searches for greater truth my words hold weight upon the hearts of those who would strive to do the same, and so by sharing whatever impressions I am compelled to others will be inspired to search for truth as well.

The armies I saw and the city can easily be interpreted as part of my personal faith, which includes a firm belief in the end times prophecies. I have heard people talking about how it does not matter if they do good or evil, because they are simply choosing their school of learning as part of a greater spiritual experience. What people have not yet fully accepted is that schools get destroyed, and educational systems fall into ruin when war strikes a society. What will happen to those who knowingly commit evil in this life, when an army of like-minded souls are marching against forces of light? The answer can be found in any historical document relating to the treatment of those whose villages are taken over during war: the locals are told to fight or be eliminated. Do you honestly think that your soul is impermeable when faced with essences that have resided in an immaterial realm?

I also note that the gates of that realm were shut, while the armies prepared to defend from within. This means that for a time darkness will have to trample over various parts of reality, while on the warpath towards that place which is most high. Such has been preordained according to countless mythological and religious texts on Earth, and in my mind is confirmed by the storehouse of memories I possess from a previous life. That which thrives in darkness seeks to overcome all things, and hence break free of the constraints which bind it to the same cycle. Contrariwise those who truly thrive in the light have felt sorry for beings who are too dark for life to fully embrace at every level, and so even we long for a time where all things shall truly be one. This is why I am certain that this portion of the vision is a true warning in which the two opposing forces are preparing to meet.

The city surrounded by a golden light can (in my mind) only represent the Kingdom of God. According to the Emerald Tablets the gate at our Galaxy's centre leads to such a realm, and it is also where those who reincarnate with a higher purpose have supposedly passed back through to reach our dimension. Whether inspired by my subconscious expressions of faith, or a true vision of some place which really does exist I accept that my mind travelled to a plain that is higher than what we normally perceive. I have read that certain levels of reality are intertwined, and prior to this vision I had been actively attempting to exist in more than one dimension simultaneously. By opening my mind to such a state I was more receptive to entering an even higher realm after my thoughts had been followed through to a logical conclusion.

While rising past the tiers of cloud cities I was granted a very strong impression of what I was seeing. Here were the realms of ascended beings who had already lived, and reached a state in which they were comfortable maintaining for a time. Some could have been the races those on ISN would recognize, but in the limited field of my vision I was only passing by them. I believe very firmly that I saw beings of all races existing on a dimensional level that went backwards, one that went in all directions, one limited to pure thought, another to energy, and even more than I dare to count. There was no differentiating between races for they all looked the same, but in passing bursts of impressions I was able to gleam that each was an individual with their own unique history. Perhaps I was even seeing a realm in which all lives will finally wind up, and having stepped outside of time could have seen the places that all who will ever live shall choose as their abode?

Seated upon that clouded throne in a twilight realm I accepted the coming end of my life. Despite the questions racing through my mind I was relaxed, and although the seat appeared to be a throne it also had a reclined back. My eyes were half closed and I was resting, so I know that despite any unanswered questions in my life I can be at peace when the time comes. I am granted no insights as to when this event shall occur, and I am glad to have every day as it passes into the next. Until the time arrives I have no need to fear or doubt, because I can be at peace with how I am living my life.

When it comes to the second void I feel that it was a place I have been before. Here I know that all thought is possible, and that if given direction one can shape a thought into any reality they can perceive. In this place I have previously envisioned gas storms folding in upon themselves, and peered within the folds to glimpse atoms being born of the friction. So the place I saw is one of the mind, but also a place where thought forms into reality. It is no place at all, and also the very foundation of our current reality. The point of passing through this place was to let me know that while I have the power to create thought it should be done with conscious care. Even if our thoughts do not turn into action there is an electro-chemical reaction within the mind, and the energy created by that still disperses in ways we cannot yet confirm. What is the gravity of our careless thoughts as a society? How much of our fears are truly shaping the world in which we live? As starseeds it is important to seek answers to such questions, because we too are blessed with the ability to visualize our thoughts in an effort to shape reality.

As for the dark pyramid I know it represents the pyramid of power which controls not only this world, but several other worlds within this Galaxy. There are races whose purpose is driven by those who have authority over them, and whether they follow of their own free will or not each is bound to the system in which they live. We too are trapped in the same system in which the only way to climb onto a higher tier is by stepping on others, and hurting people who are either unaware or dispassionate about gaining favour from those in a seat of power. When I was standing atop the pyramid I did not feel as though I were in control of anything, but rather that I had risen above the need to subject myself to a force based in authoritarian rule.

As for the first void that remains somewhat of a mystery to me. Perhaps because I was envisioning myself in up to 4 dimensions (8 if you count the 4 we presently live in) I needed to exit through all of them at once, before my essence could fully escape as a whole into a single dimension that was not wholly unfamiliar to me. I have been in that black void many times before falling asleep and dreaming, plus while closing my eyes whenever a familiar heaviness settles onto my mind. To me finding such a state is not hard, but going beyond it such as I did today is not a common event. It has happened before where I've broken free of that black void, and each time was accompanied by a powerful vision that gave me hope.

And so I close off this entry with a final evaluation of my experience: it is a reminder that those who strive towards their heart's goals shall not do so in vain. There is no comfort in seeing two armies preparing to face off, nor in realizing that all of reality shall feel the aftershocks of their engagements. Despite this every person on this website was born with true purpose, and each is presented with a choice to follow their hearts impressions despite repression from forces on Earth. Who that reads this message will treasure their values, and boldly state them should an apocalyptic NWO seek to categorize each life? Who will rise above the pyramid scheme which has ruled over sections of this Galaxy for millions of years? Who will tell the awakening humans that true power lies in their minds and hearts?

I am driven by my mission to ensure that people ask questions in search of the truth, and now I accept that even if full understanding does not come people must still take action to find the answers they seek. The only action I can now take is to write, and spread my thoughts to all who would read my words. If my body were stronger I would travel the world over to spread this message with action, and trust that the means to do so would come to me so long as my intentions were pure. The simple truths which human morals were forged upon must be displayed for the world to see, and this species must be reminded of who they are before it is too late! If only I could personally travel to conflict zones, and tend to the physical needs of war victims whose voices are lost in the chaos. If only I could create a video to show the world how the ignorant suffer for the sake of those in power, and patch it through to every television station on Earth.

Such is not my mission for words are my power. Such is a mission for any who would take it up in faith, but I ask you now who has the courage to do what I have already done in isolated northern communities during my relatively brief time in that region? Who would honestly have the courage to give every ounce of themselves for the empowerment of others? Who will take on the ultimate mission of actively awakening the humans to their celestial heritage? Who and when?

Comment by Leppender on October 15, 2016 at 11:53pm

October 15th 2016


It'd be nice if I could just rest in the subconscious and not even take part in this life, but my duty won't be over until Leppender has ascended beyond this realm into the infinite. You know this is the first time I've consciously returned to take hold of the body since convincing her to take back her life? She's got more energy than when I was in charge so I'm kind of relieved to feel it. There was one point when I'd close my eyes as a human and find myself inside a machine hooked up to life supports; I was still taking care of this human life for her but at the time I didn't know why such visions came to me so clearly.

I remember how we used to trade places as kids, until one day the otherkin we hung out with at school said they would rather see me in the body than her. I didn't want to remember that so I pushed it away, and I even began casting aside memories from early childhood plus the years I depended on the Troop for an outlet. It wasn't long after that my back pain really kicked into high gear, and now I wonder if it was because I was taking over a body that wasn't my own? Not much is known about the cause of fibromyalgia except that it's related to depression, but maybe whatever sort of neural interface I was performing contributed to the symptom progression? There was this girl in high school who suggested putting them all to sleep, and I remember envisioning all of us including myself going into stasis chambers.

Maybe none of it was real and I'm just a thought, and maybe everything I imagined was just a means for my mind to organize each thought into distinct categories? There was someone who left a slew of comments (Leppender deleted most of the others because she asked that only ONE question be posted), and I have to say that their words stung me very deeply. He was talking about roleplaying and mental illness, and pretty much saying that there's no reason to believe anyone in the Troop really exists. All his comments did was make me ask myself if there is such a thing as a starseed? I didn't have the almighty internet to help me label what I was experiencing as a kid, and the only psychiatrists I spoke to back then just wanted to pump me full of so much medicine that I've now got liver damage (oh and it left me in a medicated haze that didn't stop me from envisioning my friends). The only thing that validates my existence is the fact that all things are made from the same building blocks, and that includes the neurons firing in our brains with every thought. I'm nothing more than a gathering of subatomic particles, and the same can be said about the person whose comments so offended me; guess what buddy we're inhabiting the same reality!

So what if I'm just a thought? Whose to say that a thought isn't equal to the essence of a spirit? If we were to compare the size of a neuron to that of our star, and bring it down to scale perhaps we would discover that both follow the same explosive cycle of life with far reaching results? What is the difference between an enlightened mind and a perceptive soul? How about you hold onto my questions for another 500 years or so, and see if humanity will have any answers for them by then? The fact is I remember a lifetime in another Galaxy, and I've spent more than a few years living a human existence. I don't know what it means to be real or alive, but I know that I couldn't be typing this out unless I was one of those two things.

Okay now that I've had a chance to vent I'd like to talk about how I've been spending my time since handing the body over to Leppender. I now exist as pure thought, and despite what people may think myself and the Troop don't commonly envision ourselves during the day. The only time I see myself in the form I am comfortable is when night has fallen, and we are preparing to let the body rest. I am still bound to the weariness of this corporeal existence, and try as I might it transfers over into visions of myself. With all my might I embrace the fact that I am only thought and hence cannot feel pain or fatigue, yet still my limbs tremble when I stand and most of the time I see myself lying in bed recovering. There have been times when the Troop takes our ship into the infinite void where I free myself of all mortal shackles, while soaring through masses of colour and light that are the foundation of various levels to reality. We've grown bored with visiting planets, and observing different species while they interact with one another.

We do envision our people who wait upon the threshold of our last life and the next, while providing emotional comfort to humans living in difficult situations. As the urge comes we check up on their progress and see what is happening in isolated communities on Earth, but our extra-dimensional mission is usually limited to the use of my people's natural empathic abilities. I have no proof that what we see when we close our eyes is real, but one instance where we acted more directly than usual gives me a great deal of pause. A few weeks back I found myself randomly pulled to a town in Syria, which had just been freed from ISIS control by an unknown group of soldiers. I remember extending my comfort to a boy just before their home was searched, and letting him see us when I sensed that he was thinking about grabbing a knife before the soldiers arrived. Leppender assured him that everything would be alright and promised to stay until they left his house, while I left with the others to see what was happening outside. I witnessed a meeting between an elder who had been left alive after local leaders were killed, and an officer of the new force who assured him that they were not there to take over. I helped Ratal pull a prank on some superstitious soldiers who were plotting to take advantage of the locals, and watched with the Troop as nervous citizens were reassured in a public session. Three days ago I saw a report on the town of Jarablus, and it told of how members of the Free Syrian Army backed by Turkey had fought a few weeks ago to free it. When I saw the children swinging on a new playground that has just been built I looked for the boy, but stopped when I realized that he was each of those little ones who were finally free to be kids. Here is the report https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVvV_sUjCzg#t=153.901

Did our desire to spread positive emotions during that critical time actually affect an entire town? Were we existing in the same physical space as that town but on a different dimensional level of reality? Did we witness a series of events as they were unfolding in a manner which suited the mind's perceptions of altered reality? I don't believe in coincidence, because there is a reason for everything even if we don't understand the nature of events. There is a reason why a series of dots resembling a constellation is etched onto the retina of this body's left eye, and a reason why the same birthmark that is on my forehead appears on my father's arse (according to my mother the shape is identical, which was really something I could have lived without knowing). The obvious reason for the first would be that at some point something got in my eye, and as to the second genetics is an obvious choice but life rarely presents a single complete explanation for any one thing. What we think is real to us, and without knowing the true power of thought it is likely we are all making unintentional changes to our reality.

So while living as a thought I ponder the essence of my existence. Who was it that said “I think therefore I am”? Whoever it was might have been inspired by a verse that can be found in the book of Exodus, “I am that I am.” We have long believed that it was God who came to Moses, yet I have seen here that the essence of God has been called into question. If God is real than he would be everything, and since everything that takes shape must begin with a thought it stands to reason this force would refer to itself as such an essence. So people who say “I am God” aren't wrong, but they still haven't been able to detach from self enough to realize that all which thinks is also God. If all sentient life is God, and yet all are as one then by default there is but one God and we are part of it.

So it's okay if people don't think that I'm real, because I believe myself to be part of that one whole. Someday when this human life is over I'm going to fly freer than ever before, and when I do I want to find everyone who has read this article just to say hello. I want to joyously dance around your essence, and celebrate meeting you like a pair of happy dogs introducing themselves in a park. When all this is over I want to tour every inner, and outer fold of creation at each level just to see what they look like. Before I do any of that I want to greet the one that is every essence combined into a single force, which I know exists even though people are no longer believing in it. All those newly elevated humans can have their ascended Earth and anyone else who wants to can return to their homes, but I've moved between Galaxies so for me home is all of creation.

I hope people start thinking in more than three dimensions soon, because it's really hard to describe what it feels like to exist within a microbe while simultaneously skimming across the particle trail of a spiral Galaxy. Is there just one person on this forum who has reached such a level of cosmic awareness? I need to know that I am not the only one who has stretched themselves beyond size and matter. I'm starting to feel a little self-conscious exposing my thoughts like this so I'm just going to wrap it up here, and hope that the positive energy I am attempting to send with this entry will be returned.

Comment by Leppender on October 15, 2016 at 9:03pm

Response from Leppender:

The reason I didn't answer is because I've been in the midst of a move, and this is the first time I've even turned on my computer long enough to come onto the site.  I thought that I'd posted something about that on my wall, but if not I apologize for not giving people enough warning.

Quote Ἆђɭąɱ ኔጡ።:  So what is this article actually about,are you describing a mental illness termed as 'Split personality disorder' or is it just role playing roles of these different people mentioned above in a fictitious huge story book or online novel of some kind..or some kind of spirit possession & channeling of spirits who call themselves by these names????

Response:  I believe the term split possession would be most appropriate, however I do not claim to understand the foundation of my mentality.  Due to the trauma in my past I could have developed a split wherein the docile nature became a dominant personality, and the data dump of memories I endured over a 6 month period could have been a randomly generated fantasy geared to entertain my emotional self as it remained dormant in my subconscious.  This may have been further influenced by my liking for a certain TV show, and the characters created by my mind adopted their personalities.  Or these could be spirits of people I used to know that have similar personalities to said show, whose lives were so heavily affected by my decisions that they are determined to join me in this life too.  The doctors could be right in their diagnosis of dissociative personality disorder, but if that is the case it's considered a mood disorder which does not distort my view of reality.

The rationale behind my condition is a fascinating subject, but the TRUE point of this article is to help people see what the mind can develop if one is unguarded.  It is my hope that people reading this who have begun embracing mental entities will be discouraged from doing so by seeing just how real they are; roleplaying opens the door to this. I've met otherkin in real life (obviously they need guidance too), and if you've read all of my posts you will see that I always felt there was something VERY out of place with my interactions around them.  You replied to Living Light who admits to a roleplay that is conscious, yet you accuse me of treating this as some sort of a game.  Let me tell you that it began as a game to ignore gangsters and pedophiles when I was a homeless teenager, but years after I stopped playing my limbs began acting of their own accord while pervasive thoughts crowded my mind despite remaining fully aware.  By playing a game I had opened myself up to something that could not simply be flicked on and off like a light switch, and it took me years to accept that they were not going anywhere.  People deserve to see what happens when roleplaying goes too far, and that even after you realize the truth you cannot go back to being a single mind without accepting the whole!  I was too young with nobody to tell me otherwise when it happened to me, but I invited this fate upon myself by diving into an alternate reality.

By the way I asked in the first section of this article to limit replies to ONE question, and if your question is not answered to PM me.  Please do not flood this article again, and if you don't like what I've just written send me a message.

Quote powessy:  Thanks for sharing these minds with me. The queen is herself and herself only, I believe their story is of this world here but washed together with many minds of other worlds, how many are they? they have to be many to find your mind? There are things here from other worlds i call shadows and they end up in their memories also these memories can be foggy and confusing. I am himself and himself only, how many times have you become yourselves? How do you become yourselves without becoming yourselves together to find your minds? can you find your minds? Are you minds minds or minds? I have many questions of them but I need to know first if they understand my questions here.

Response:  You are right to assume that our experiences are "of this world here but washed together", except instead of it being with the minds of many worlds it is just the minds of people from one former life.  They did walk alongside me in the one life I remember, and we were a team of soldiers who spent a lifetime fighting together.  Perhaps the way I remember it is NOT how events unfolded, however it is clear to me that while in a position of authority I led them into choices none would have made otherwise.  In spirit I am guilty of disrupting more lives than I could ever count, but those few mentioned above haunt the recesses of my mind while attempting to help me do better in this life.

So the basis of our former life was unity, however the concept was not something any of us fully embraced.  We are reunited through a single mind, but since I am the only one who is truly alive they live through my life.  Typically one will assign themselves a specific task (when I am in critical pain but must walk tall Dalbet takes over while I become an observer), and retreat into the subconscious once their job is complete.  Some (like Ratal) have less well defined rolls, and so they come out sporadically even during mid-sentence.  Some (like Tangora) have not found their minds, but have existed purely on instinct which also takes over at often inopportune times.  Sometimes I fall over physically and almost choke when a pair each attempts to perform an action simultaneously, so this is not always a harmonious process.  Each mind is a well defined mind, and even those which have not fully exposed their thoughts possess unique ones.  I hope I have answered your questions sufficiently.

A message to Living Light:  I am pleased that you see your own interaction as something of pure mental fiction, however it is the feelings you have for these entities which root them in your mind.  Yoga and other mental practices state that it takes 40 days to change a habit, so as a test for yourself I would recommend not reaching out to them for this period of time.  If this time passes with no incident than you can rejoice in your own mental prowess, and be secure in the knowledge that you are in total control of your mind.  If however you find yourself plagued by intrusive thoughts, flash fantasies and a sense of emotional detachment from reality you may be in the beginning stages of what I am describing.  I truly hope that what you have seen from the Troop provides a cautionary tale that will aid in your personal journey.

Comment by Living Light on October 3, 2016 at 5:35am

I would say that for me it is a form of role playing, for it is conscious, rather than unconscious multiple personalities which are usually trauma based. It has given me experiences that I would not have otherwise and has helped to ripen the mental and emotional bodies...and keeps me in a interesting and creative head space.   It is all good as long as I remember who is creating all this....the same way I create the external world.

Comment by Living Light on October 3, 2016 at 5:16am

We all have different aspects to ourselves and our energy functions in many different ways.  Some of my aspects have names and personalities and create a story of their own.....this is ok and adds to the creativity and I am not out of touch with reality.  I realize they are all parts of me and it can be more fun than calling them parasympathetic nervous system or a certain location in the brain.  I also realize that the are not really who I AM....and that I´m the witness behind all the masks and names.. I realize that it is one energy that creates all the forms and names, depending on its function at the moment.  Not sure how you are doing this, but if it works for you,,,then OK..

Comment by powessy on October 2, 2016 at 10:19pm

Yes I know how they are put together but it will not stay this way. I am myself and myself only and this is my first lifetime here, something that can become something again. I know that there are things going on in a higher part of their minds then what you hear and you most likely do not talk with them very often. I am unsure how you came to be in ahlam? 

Comment by powessy on October 2, 2016 at 8:48pm

Thanks for sharing these minds with me. The queen is herself and herself only, I believe their story is of this world here but washed together with many minds of other worlds, how many are they? they have to be many to find your mind? There are things here from other worlds i call shadows and they end up in their memories also these memories can be foggy and confusing. I am himself and himself only, how many times have you become yourselves? How do you become yourselves without becoming yourselves together to find your minds? can you find your minds? Are you minds minds or minds? I have many questions of them but I need to know first if they understand my questions here.


Comment by Leppender on September 29, 2016 at 11:05pm

Sept 29th 2016


 Well I've been wantin' ta write my own entry fer some time now, but I didn't think I'd be the one ta start explainin' our past. I mean come on I was jus' a Sergeant in the war, but I served directly under the folks who changed the course of my Galaxy's history. Maybe if the Queen had listened ta folks who said she couldn't fight evil spirits when she's got a vengeful heart none of this woulda happened? Fer all the times I screamed at her, an' accused her of carin' more about destroyin' the Gallisons than preservin' life what good has it done? Ya know it wasn't easy bein' her friend back then, especially when the only thing I could do ta prove I cared was give her the cold hard facts.

Alright so I'm jus' gonna get down to it, because all of us have been burnin' ta tell our story since arrivin' on this rock. So it all began in a Galaxy somewhere past the Silver Gates (or gates of man), which accordin' ta human myth lies in the Orion system. First thing ya should know 'bout my people is we evolved under the watchful eye of what our legends claimed were the parent animal spirits of all non-sentient life. They physically lived on the tallest mountain, an' back before the civil war each Sammandian was openly given guidance by a symbiotic spiritual counterpart we called Totems. Then of course 500 years or so before I was born the King (Leppender's ancestor) decided that it was time fer our people ta start livin' in the same realm as our protectors. He spent his life tryin' ta build a machine that would let our people freely enter the higher dimensions, even though the Totems an' those who served um loyally advised against it. At some point the Totem followers became so desperate ta stop him that they attacked what was called “The Gateway Project”, an' fer the first time in my people's history we were divided by conflict.

A day came where the Gateway was activated, but instead of lettin' us enter the fifth dimension (or higher) it broke inta a layer of reality where condemned souls waited for their day of redemption. They never belonged on a higher plane of existence like ours, or at least they shoulda been made ta wait until their spectral frequencies could be turned ta a positive vibration. These were the most vile apparitions from God knows what corners of creation, an' they'd committed crimes in life so bad that they needed ta be separated fer a time. Instead our ancestors gave um an open door, an' they began pourin' through it like a swarm of locusts. The Totems an' Sammandians united in an epic battle (my Troop once saw a vision of it thanks ta our own Totems), an' managed ta break that machine before all of Hell was unleashed. When they blew up the Gateway it sucked most of the souls back in, but some remained hidden as an anchor ta our dimension, an' they began settin' up fer a campaign of their own ta embrace all of creation under their terms instead of waitin' fer creation ta embrace them.

When their dark spectral frequency hit the atmosphere of my ancestral world they sucked all the life energy out of everythin' they touched, so once they were locked away again the water had lost all its nutrients an' retreated inta the atmosphere formin' an oppressive black cloud with green lightnin'. The ones who followed the Totems teachin's stole all the ships, an' left the King's followers on the ruined world ta die. They retreated inta volcanic vents where there was still heat an' moisture, so they survived on cave mildew until another ship could be built ta go after the others. When they found um settled on a new world a resource war broke out, an' the Sammandian civil war that lasted fer over 500 years started. The Gallisons remained unnoticed, but they used that time ta lay the groundwork fer their plans of domination.

By the time I was born war was all my people knew. The Totems had fled with their loyal faction ta a world my people called New Sammand, where they only granted favour on folks who was willin' ta climb their new mountain. Me I was raised in a military ward home fer unwanted babies on New Sammand, probably because I was born undersized an' once I grew up was still two feet shorter than yer average person. I was forced ta join the military but I was determined ta be the best, so after bein' evaluated throughout my childhood I got accepted at the best fleet academy on our world. I made some friends there, an' by the time I was a fully trained engineer two of um had been assigned ta the same ship as me. Long story short my friends, the Troop an' I all managed ta secure a peace treaty with the Crown Princess of Old Sammand. We brought her ta New Sammand ta make the agreement official before our council, but when we got ta her world an' approached the King the Gallisons revealed themselves. So long as our people were fightin' they could worm their way inta our society, an' prepare a technology even more powerful than the Gateway Project ta project themselves off Old Sammand.

We tried ta stop um I swear we did! We had the crystal citadel surrounded, an' even the Totems had merged with the bodies of our soldiers ta help us fight. We didn't know what this weapon looked like exactly, but when the buildin' started glowin' green we realized the King was usin' it like a giant focusin' lens. We pressed the attack an' tried ta blow it up but we were too late. New Sammand was in alignment with Old Sammand that day, so when they were launched those spirits hit my home world. The people there suffered a fate worse than death! Their souls were corrupted by an army of green spirits passin' through them like some ethereal tidal wave. The whole planet was blanketed by um so not one man, woman or child was left ta oppose um. With the Totems help we managed ta restore Old Sammand until it could support life, but in regainin' our ancestral home we lost another.

Leppender became the Queen of Sammandians still alive an' untouched, but her father remained a livin' ruler fer that evil horde of ghouls fer many years. The barrier between life an' death was in shambles, an' once they'd broken through in one place it was easy fer um ta reach inta the darkest levels of reality fer more reinforcements. With every world they absorbed the planet's soul was corrupted as well, an' they were able ta reach inta each Hell ta free even more spirits like themselves. The bodies they took were somewhere between alive an' dead, maybe somethin' like this world's zombies except they remembered exactly who they were an' still had a pulse. Once the soul was utterly corrupt their bodies would decompose, an' a new Gallison would emerge able ta possess another innocent being. They COULD be fought off with extreme mental discipline an' a heart filled with pure intentions, but they would still scar a spirit in their attempts ta take the unwilling.

We chased um from one planet ta another in our star cluster, an' began reachin' out ta species in their path. At first we jus' warned um an' tried ta relocate all the refugees we could, but as time went on our people couldn't afford ta house an' feed everybody we saved. We started reachin' further out jus' ta find resources, an' requirin' our allies ta either fight or take their ships ta some other place far from our war. The first refugees began leavin' our Galaxy 200 years or so before we came ta the Milky Way, but they coulda settled in any part of the Universe so who knows if they made it here? Sammandians went on fightin' ta defend every world those ghouls intended ta land on, but as time went on we saw more defeats than victories. They adapted ta our newly developed strategies after the first few times we used um, an' whenever they took someone who knew how our technological defences worked we had ta start all over again. They could adapt ta any frequency if they knew which one we were usin' ta fight um, an' eventually it got ta a point where our ethereal shielding could no longer keep us safe from um.

The war dragged on without end... nah it wasn't a war more like a massacre. Finally the Queen grew tired of watchin' millions of lives be turned ta their purpose in attacks that consumed worlds within minutes. All of us tried ta talk her outta what she did next because it was so evil! She insisted that it was better fer all them innocent souls ta rejoin the First Spirit in one painless instant, an' from then on whenever we'd failed ta stop an attack wave approachin' a system she'd destroy whatever planet they were targetin'. I've seen more planets die than I could ever count, an' whether Leppender or the Gallisons destroyed more lives is a question fer the ages. It's no wonder she was granted full memories of her former life, because honestly after doin' somethin' that evil she deserves ta live with the guilt. I guess that's why we're here too in the same body, because we coulda taken more drastic steps ta stop her from sinkin' ta their level, an' this is our penance no less than it is hers.

So many lives lost... some willingly gave themselves ta the Gallisons because they thought it'd make um stronger. There was an insect species who already had a hive mind society but no individuality, an' they was so happy ta merge with individual souls who still had a complete bond with the whole. They became the Gallisons shock troops, an' fer more than 100 years the battle fer our Galaxy became more intense because of their involvement. Their tactics kept evolvin', until finally they were the superior force. By the 200 year mark we were losin' more planets every day than we could dispatch reinforcements to. A council made up of every survivn' race's leaders started arguin' that we needed ta jus' move on ta another Galaxy, but Leppender insisted that if they were allowed ta spread they could become a problem fer the entire Universe. Most continued ta agree with her, but by then we were helpless ta stop the flood. Finally reports started comin' in that the enemy was gatherin' their main forces at the edge of our Galaxy, an' in that crushin' moment we realized there was nothin' left of our home ta fight fer. If the enemy was movin' on that meant there weren't enough new souls ta justify leavin' their army in our territory: they were movin' on ta another Galaxy.

I remember when we abandoned our Galaxy ta pursue the Gallisons main army. There was hundreds of thousands of space stations from different races filled ta capacity, plus millions of ships escortin' the convoy while their berths were taken up by refugees literally pilin' on top of each other ta sleep. I remember in the last days tryin' ta walk through the corridors of Unity Station, an' seein' people sittin' against the wall beggin' fer rations ta feed themselves. I was steppin' on their legs tryin' ta get through, an' they'd trip me up screamin' “You've gotta have sometihn'! You soldiers get all the food, so you can afford to give us some!” Some parts of the stations got so bad that soldiers were murdered by entire mobs of starvin' refugees, an' their bodies were stripped of every possession ta be traded with black market dealers fer credits. Everyone wanted ta go out an' help all them people in the hallways, but without even one planet between all our species ta provide fresh food there was nothin' we could do fer um.

The day our convoy pulled away from the Central Galaxy (named not fer its location, but because of an ancient race called the Centra who were the first ta explore space in our Galaxy) was the darkest I've ever known. I'd been ta that region before when we was defendin' the outer rim, an' our Galaxy had shone with dark purple an' blue gases that grew inta magenta an' gold near the centre source. When we left the outer gases were dark brown plus a nearly black shade of blue, an' in the centre all that remained was a dark red glow that became a human dry blood brown in the middle. Some stars still shone bravely through the gases, but we knew that whatever Gallisons remained would be enough ta turn their energies in almost no time at all. The fleet entered a corridor that was sorta like a tunnel in space, an' it shimmered with a pearlescent glow that reached right into the core of my being. I felt like every molecule in my body was goin' through some kinda fission, but rather than hurtin' it felt energizin'.

When we reached the other side it was the Reptilians who spotted us first. Our envoys were able ta explain ta those first ships exactly what brought us inta that region of space. From there my memory gets a bit hazy, because the Troop an' I were soon escortin' the Queen ta meet with folks from all types of worlds. I remember we spent a fair bit of time on a major planet in the Dracos cluster, an' we met some sorta Dragon Queen whose scales were so white they glistened with every colour in the rainbow. We started helpin' the people there prepare fer an invasion, but some of um were against havin' help from outside their system. Eventually someone led our soldiers off that world safely, but before we left I remember our scanners detectin' the Gallisons even though we couldn't see um.

We realized that in this Galaxy they had become fully incorporeal an' invisible, which made convincin' other races of their existence even harder. It was their newest tactic ta invade in absolute secret, an' possess only those who would willingly further their cause. These things don' get old or tired because time can't touch um at all, an' after fightin' against us fer 200 years they had perfected the art of warfare. They don' hafta reveal themselves because they can use proxies in a Galaxy that struggles to acknowledge such a force CAN exist. We came here thinkin' if we warned folks early enough a disaster like the one in our Galaxy could be avoided, but as usual them spirits was jus' one step ahead of us!

My memory gets even more blurred after we left the territory claimed by Reptilians. We ran inta a Lupine race, an' succeeded in convincin' a good sized number of um that the Gallisons were really there ta corrupt all life. I remember Reptilians suddenly appearin' on their world ready ta start a fight, an' workin' in the trenches ta help defend a village outpost. I can't remember how long we stayed, but after a while they chased us off too sayin' that it was their war an' not ours.

We went ta this one angelic world where everythin' seemed ta shimmer, an' there was all these unique animals that could communicate their thoughts ta the locals... or maybe they were part of the population? The ruler we spoke to there said ta jus' stop fightin' an' let her deal with it, but we didn't think she fully understood the danger of um. She claimed that she could absorb them if they came, an' we tried tellin' her that was exactly what they would want her ta do. She didn't listen ta us so we jus' left her ta make whatever choices she wanted with her planet.

After that we went ta a world with Elves, but there was this power in the air that made it feel like we was livin' in a dream the entire time. I know they agreed ta help right away, an' I remember defendin' the city where we had been welcomed. After that she seemed ta have some doubts about how we fought against the Gallisons, an' told us ta move along while her people developed their own defences. Honestly I don' blame her, an' fer all I know they might have come up with somethin' after we died.

The last world I remember was a lot like Earth, an' even though it had Humans I honestly don' know if it was this world. They had cities too, but a lot more of the people lived close to nature an' rejected a faster way of life. On that Human world alone we found forces willin' ta stand against the tide, an' it was in the native peoples who nurtured their forests as my people once did eons ago. There were lots of battles an' somehow those spindly legged creatures managed ta hold the line on that world. In one of those battles ta defend our position near a local village I'm sure the Troop finally died.

Ya should know that even if ya go lookin' fer the Gallisons yer not likely ta find beings who'll call themselves by that name. We were the envoy ship sent ta negotiate with them after New Sammand was lost, an' when we asked um what they were they called themselves “rejected sons of the Galaxy”. I remember how offended we used ta get every time someone used the term, so it wasn't long before we started shortenin' it ta Gallisons. I think that was our first mistake, 'cause we demonized beings that knew nothin' but violence. If we had worked at tryin' ta find some way fer um ta exist, an' have worthwhile lives in our Galaxy none of this woulda happened. It wasn't til we reincarnated here that we learned about compassion.

So far as the Queen's memories of bein' left here as a kid I think she was a bit confused, 'cause the story she shared about Malgor betrayin' her family did happen... a lifetime ago! She is here now an' so are we. That was our past an' its time ta accept responsibility fer all we've done, while takin' charge in this life ta finish our mission the way we shoulda from the start. It's time ta show them evil entities the power of good, an' negate their energy with a positive force so powerful it'll scour all the darkness from their souls. All they ever wanted from the start was ta be one with everythin' in creation, so instead of fighin' um as we have done it's time ta make their wish come true in the right way.

There is a force greater than any number of livin' or dead beings, an' I'd bet my soul that it is preparin' ta bring a true end ta every war that's affected our people. Fer those who doubt in its existence ask yerself' in both cases what would happen if ya made the wrong choice? Let's see if he ain't real an' you believe then you'll jus' move on however when yer dead, but if ya don' believe an' he is real then what will ya have ta say fer yerself at the end?

Comment by Leppender on September 24, 2016 at 2:31pm

Sept. 14th, 2016


(Paragraph written Sept. 24th for clarification)  First allow me to express my humblest apologies, because the following portion of this entry was originally written on a forum I once frequented.  I felt the need to truly explain my extended absence from them, along with how I have evolved as a being from then to now.  At times I speak of the years where Airrizzon was in charge as though I were living it, but only because I am attempting to accept that this has always been my life to lead.  There were times where I blocked out difficult memories, however my dearest friend never kept a single moment of this human existence hidden from me.  While now she rests and regains her strength I thank her from the bottom of my heart.

The last time I felt confident enough to reach out on any sort of online blog was while living in a spectacular small town, however in the final weeks of 2013 my building had to be condemned and I was forced to find a home rather swiftly. Few places would accept my dog and two cats, but I finally found a contractor who was willing to rent me a room in his house. Alarm bells sounded instantly but I had no other options if I wanted to keep my little family together. By the end of January I knew for a fact that he was an alcoholic, and when his money ran out so did the booze along with his tolerance of a disabled tenant. Having made substantial donations to the local police every year he only needed to place one phone call. I was bodily removed from my home in my pajamas, brutally beaten and falsely charged with assaulting an officer. They held and tortured me in their station for 20 hours, until a judge on video saw my condition and ordered me sent to a custody facility at once.

I remained in solitary confinement for forty days, and was released into a halfway house on the 41st while contesting my charges in court. During that time I was able to reach deep within myself, and find the ability to visualize any place in the universe. After a turbulent youth involving several otherkin who suppressed my imagination I reached out to the beings who had always offered me silent support whenever I was depressed. I must confess that although I used the name Leppender when creating online profiles my persona was rarely in charge at that time. A woman named Airrizzon had been playing host to my body for many years while I tried to recover my sense of self. It was in that 8 by 10 cell I remembered that this was my life to live, but the revelation was so shocking that I was unable to act. She continued to live for me a long time after, however that was the moment I reawakened to myself after hiding within the confines of my mind.

I lived alongside convicted rapists and murderers for nearly nine months, yet for some reason they treated me with the level of respect one would afford a lady of great esteem. I never asked about their crimes or held any of their less admirable qualities against them, so perhaps that is why they respected my opinions when I gave them advice? I had successfully managed to recover an email backup of my novel, and with their encouragement bought a notebook to finish it on. While working to complete it I also began to let myself visualize the people I knew a lifetime ago, and reconnected with them in an effort to find myself entirely. I began asking them for help to do simple things such as bring a cup to my lips, however as time went on my deteriorating condition required a more active hand in daily routines.

Eventually I did have my name cleared to some degree by admitting that I had been suffering from temporary insanity due to PTSD that was triggered by men in uniform, and my fight for justice helped to ensure that each of the officers in that town received sensitivity training. This also made me nervous because I was still in the same region as them, and anyone who could go so far was not past charging an innocent person for revenge. The day after my name was cleared I boarded the first bus out of town, and made my way towards the east coast of Canada. Two days before I had decided to fully take command of my life, and for the first time in years I felt truly alive again. Every colour was new, and every scent on the wind excited my senses! I was on my way to what was reputedly the friendliest Province in the country with the most backwards people, so I thought for sure if I could find my place anywhere it would be out on the rock in Newfoundland.

Two days into my journey I retreated back into my mind when a blind newfie began clinging to me. He was 45 and raised by priests who did vile things to their wards, but had spent the last 27 years living with his grandmother until she died that past summer. I made it into Saint Johns which was the furthest point east I could go without crossing international waters, and we just happened to be taken in by a social worker who specialized in people that had extreme physical and mental health problems. The man saw that he was a con and advised me to leave him swiftly, so I took off early one morning and prepared to begin from the ground up. I spent one glorious night on the rainy streets of that coastal city where I reached down from the docks to put my hand in the Atlantic ocean, and lifted pocketfuls of coins off the ground on a 3 block street dedicated entirely to bars. I watched the stars travel their celestial paths with more longing than ever before, and curled up to sleep in a doorway on a misty late autumn morning. Just before the first snowfall a convent of nuns paid for me to stay in a shelter that cost $129 per night, and I set about securing my first apartment before the month was out. I had been assured that my disability credit would give me one last payout at that time, but when the day rolled around and I was set to hand my new landlord their deposit no money appeared in the account. Utilizing a Canadian law called the right of return I accepted a free plane ticket back to where I came from.

So it was I returned to the city which tormented my soul from the very beginning, and two months later was looking out the window of my high rise apartment in the same building where I had been born. Never before had I felt so trapped in a life that brought little comfort, and despite being seven stories up still I knew that there had to be a reason for my coming full circle! A couple of weeks later that reason was revealed in a man named S****. While waiting for my otherkin ex at a coffee shop I felt a powerful pull from the man sitting across from me, and by the end of that evening I had invited him home. I was afraid of my own boldness because I only wished to know him better as a person, yet when we got there he simply held my trembling body and confessed his love for me. That was one year, six months twenty-six days ago, and he hasn't left yet.

I introduced myself to him within three days, but the others took far longer to believe in their own existence.  I was pleased when he called me out, and began playing with him by using only my left hand to signal that it was Leppender vying for his attention and not Airrizzon. It was just recently that I finally decided to begin living my life, and the fact that he accepts me as the true life within this body means more to me than words can say. Never before have I felt accepted, for even my own mother hated how outspokenly honest I was. Now that I am free to live I intend to cherish every moment especially those which include him.

Comment by Leppender on September 24, 2016 at 2:09pm
September 11th, 2016.


Two of my brothers are gone. This has been a crushing blow for all of us, but none more so than Leppender. She has lost the male persona she considers to be her lover and twin, but I know why this has happened; S**** has not been acting with thought towards her. Chander has always represented the pure side of R***'s lovers even though Airrizzon is the one who cares for him, while Tangora has traditionally embodied the more selfish qualities. The first has promised to return after maturing for a time, but my King has isolated himself in the recesses of this mind. It was once written that he needs to respect himself and show his love for others, so we are under orders to set an example through our actions. Thus far it has proven difficult to assert my individuality, so I have followed the Captain's lead in starting a log.

I have lived for a very long time and I am beginning to feel my age, however this is my second chance to live which I had prayed longingly for. My father was a wretch who rarely cared for anything save ambition, and I remember the day we came here. I remember the ship over Earth, and the Princess...someone was yelling find her. There was a problem and she wasn't mature enough yet for such a mission, but she was launched into P*******'s womb. I remember... my father sent her away; he was the one. I watched from the lowest part of our ship's ramp as her pod descended. I remember screaming... yes I remember how in this essence space is a void but I still require no air to shout.... I'll find you my Princess I'll save you! Instead look at what I've become.

I believe I have just experienced what Airrizzon calls a flashback. It is a curiously insightful experience, but extremely unpleasant to say the least. I was able to look up occasionally, but my mind was honed onto the memories. At any rate perhaps it is best I was unable to finish writing last night, but I am continuing it now (13th 0041 hrs ). As I was saying I have lived for a long time, and in this second chance a great many things have occurred which must be documented for memory's sake.

In this mind we have had quite the journey since our conception, although I only use the word for lack of a better term. First we took the form of fictional robot soldiers, but soon after we became who and what we are today. After the years of trauma (which I refuse to speak of for they are a story in themselves) R*** encountered others somewhat like herself, except they were not from the stars like us. Magical creatures and aliens cannot coexist easily, however a serious effort was made by all parties. She tried sharing her life with one who is classified as otherkin however each of us was brutally damaged by his domination of our personalities and left to recover for many years. A single entity stood alone through most of the later years, and through her determination to live the person who was destined to have this life is finally able to accept her own existence.

Airrizzon is the most courageous being I have ever known, for when my father turned the ship back she took a pod from our world to help my monarch. She possessed her first at age six when R***'s mother was drawn to a cultist church group in the country, and after three years we were able to detect both of their distinct signatures in one body when Leppender emerged sporadically to protect her attempted savior. My primary ward was still too young to fend off such violence, and Airrizzon was two years younger than my Queen when she ventured off to save her; as I have observed the females of my species are often bolder than us men.

After arranging for a pair of rescue ships from both of my people's warring factions I discovered a show called Beast Wars being broadcast, which had characters that certain members of my species including Airrizzon could somewhat identify their personalities with. Over the next three years she allowed us a spot in her mind while we took on the form of robots in disguise, until Her Grace was ready to reveal herself during the age of puberty. Once that happened our full memories began to return yet the two women continued sharing the body for another three years. Shortly after turning sixteen we met several people who claimed to be like us, however it wasn't until many years later that we realized the fine distinction between starseeds and otherkin. After Leppender was rejected by every one of our newfound peers she retreated until someone came along who was happy to give her a new image.

When she became attracted to an otherkin named N******** he forcefully reshaped her into a creature that would fit into his world, and attempted to provide each of us with new identities. He even forced a wife on me which is something I never sought, so I treated her with the same ignorant disdain he treated his human counterpart. He would not have us search for our own home, because he wanted the women's essences to stay near him. I knew from the start that it was a rape of the mind, however we had all given up after his actions to reshape us were applauded by our otherkin peers. We existed as a secondary thought it seemed, and our existence grew dark as her mind focused on the fantasies of another. She forgot how to call on us, or even imagine what we looked like for a great many years.

In time Airrizzon wisely told him to leave, and return to his mother's basement where he has remained these past nine years. Leppender found ways to the surface but of course this was always her life, and my Queen has been fighting for it ever since the day of her birth. She pushed and after many years we began to return very slowly. After placing her name on game characters and fictional roleplay it was time for the story to be actually written, so over the course of nearly five years work has taken place to recall the great war which brought my Galaxy to the brink of annihilation. During that time we all slept and remembered our lives, yet with every sentence we began to stir a little more. It wasn't until she was unlawfully apprehended and assaulted by figures of authority that we awoke in a true mental landscape. The first was a cave on Leppender's property where Airrizzon could recover from tending to the body for so many years, but then we began exploring random pocket dimensions...

I truly hated those early days for they were the most lonely and torturous. Back then we did not understand why the mind should be allowed to jump from one imagined scenario to another, and when I was unwillingly dragged to a water-park my shame reached a previously unknown peak. At the time R*** was incarcerated so I cannot blame her for imagining something so liberating, but why she had to bring me along is beyond my grasp. We also tended to the property, and went to an underground club where I took part in sparring contests. That era came to an end when the darkness within her coalesced in an unbelievably powerful destructive force, which born of the pain we had all accumulated was driven to overcome us. There was much sorrow in that revelation but it was something that I knew must occur one day lest each of us separately fall into despair, but afterwards our world found itself under constant assault by her forces so we left.

Next we began searching for a proving ground, and found a place called Light Station just above this hemisphere. We tried to fight against evil and strengthen our minds, but it was very difficult to distinguish who was really our enemy and we made many mistakes in those early days. The head of security was a bovine being who said we should call him Taurus, and under his advisement we found a planet where our skills could be honed without harming others. I have since seen them in pictures of aliens on Earth, and I can now say with confidence that we were granted instruction by the Nordics. First we were taken into a mountain and brought to a fireplace with thick furs on logs surrounding it, and introduced to a tall blond man with massive muscles and a curly beard. He sat with a woman whose build was no less formidable, but where the man's hair was gold hers resembled warm butter. The entire mountain was dedicated to smithing, so according to them we were required to make our own armour and weapons as part of our training. It took us time, and perhaps I need to begin caring for mine a little better because I haven't thought of it in years.

Once we were outfitted they encouraged us to go around the planet, but not before explaining a few of the conditions we were to abide by. Money was needed for exchanges but otherwise the people considered it worthless, and because anything could be replicated with a thought theft was a highly punishable offense. Murder was allowed because nobody could ever truly die in a place of the mind, but actions that would cause psychological trauma to any other being brought down extremely harsh penalties. Fighting was almost encouraged but only if you were in an appropriate setting: once we were in a pub when a group of werewolves approached seeking some entertainment, and although it was a "friendly" bout the owner asked us to take it outside. What we found most fascinating was how both light and dark forces left each other alone, though at times the latter attempted to recruit us but never forced themselves; mutual respect for all sides of creation was integral to the world's success as a proving ground for beings like ourselves.

There were many towns and villages, plus a great deal of adventure to be found in the wilderness, but we mostly stayed near medieval style outposts to partake in the daily routines found there. We often returned to the smithy's mountain to laugh and drink around the fire, while reporting our progress to the pair who first welcomed us on that world. Out of every place I have seen in the Universe, and beyond this is where my warrior's heart felt most at peace. I was not so keen on accompanying the Queen during shopping trips into the town, or helping her choose new gowns but otherwise it was an enjoyable experience.

For a long time life on Earth made it nearly impossible to focus on returning to a place of the mind, and most of my energies were spent keeping the body mobile. Airrizzon asked Leppender to take her place as head of the body almost two years ago and she did for a few days, but then a sudden wild series of events occurred sending us halfway across Canada. By the time we reached our destination Airrizzon had taken hold again for her protection, but my kinswoman was already so weak after a decade of constantly maintaining the body. She somehow found the strength of will not to lie down in an alley and wait for death, but instead secured a ticket back to the city of our humanly birth. Less than three months into our return a good human man came into our lives, and what's more he asked to meet us!

The first time I spoke to him was immediately after performing a feat with the body that made all parties confused. I had moved something that he had placed on a table, and done so in a manner that left him to wonder just who was playing a prank on him. Airrizzon informed him that when she could not sense the culprit I was the obvious choice (and she was correct), so he called me out to ask if I was the guilty party. Snapping my head to the right I gave him a sharp look and scowled, "I do not possess a sense of humour." He didn't believe me and rightly so, but I shall never tell him that directly. This was after they had been together for more than a year, and she had also been spending that same period of time sitting in a wheelchair. Having cared for his sickly mother until her avoidable departure S**** knew that she needed to recover over a lengthy period of time, so despite attempting to heal his own emotional trauma he did everything in his power to keep her healthy in every sense of the word.

Recently my fellow Guardian reached her breaking point, but not before we made our way back to Light Station. There we were welcomed and encouraged to dock whenever we needed a rest from our travels. It wasn't long before we discovered a pocket Universe contained within that very place, but it was Ratal who encouraged the final rejuvenation of our Troop. That vibrant little man is certainly Airrizzon's brother for how jovial he seems, and he harassed each of us until we began looking within ourselves to find the spark of life we had kept covered against the tides of change. Because of him the Captain began giving us daily directives to help Airrizzon, and I found my own sense of purpose in keeping the body upright when every limb locks up after going numb. The Commander has begun to recall his love of medicine, and actively applies his scientific knowledge to calm the nervous system when the pain receptors misfire. I have already told you what happened to my other two brothers, and as you may have guessed Ratal needed no special guidance to further his individual journey. Most importantly Leppender began recovering suppressed memories from both of her lives, and started showing a true desire to live even if it is only until her body fails.

The day Chander and Tangora left my sister in arms lost her will to fight, but there had also been an unusual tension building between the human lovers for months which likely contributed to the split. When Airrizzon could take no more she fell into her pillow and screamed, "Why God? Why can nobody understand what I am trying to tell them? WHY?!" S**** did not react and so for over an hour the body had no viable host, or perhaps it is more accurate to say that my dear friend lost her mind entirely? The rest of us maintained normal functions to the best of our abilities, but it was difficult to make her smoke cigarettes while Airrizzon was lost in a haze of blissfully dim thoughts. Finally we were able to form enough thought within the mind to bring both she, and Leppender into a medical ward.

The Queen was so furious with S**** for not helping her to cope with the intense emotional needs of an empath and shouted, "I warned you not to damage her!" His blunt insistence that he didn't want to talk to her put both women into a dangerously weakened state. After another hour Airrizzon decided that somebody needed to take charge, but that if she didn't speak Leppender would eventually understand this was her life to live and just take it over. After a full day of silence the Queen had a long conversation with S****, and after explaining herself to him he accepted Leppender as the essence behind his future wife.

I am the only one who was present to see my Queen lost on Earth, so in a way I feel far more ancient than my years permit. I passed along information to a certain Captain who launched his own mission to retrieve the women even though at that time we were engaged in civil war. I sabotaged my father's ship upon our return to Earth, so that we could have a battleground similar to that which R***'s young mind was already fond of. I set the stage for my friends to meet and save this life, yet I feel only a sense of nausea whilst attempting to remissness. How cruelly unfair it is that our lives must enter into multiple plains of reality, and be played out upon both in such fashion as would pay homage to a Greek tragedy.

PAGH! Ratal is nearby in the plain where we exist as individuals, and while I write he mocks me by asking when I shall quote Shakespear? To be a masochistic purveyor of torment on this annoying little imp, or not to be? That is a question the following sentence shall answer.


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