I'm making this post because I hope some of you might be able to help or at least give some light on this.
I've always had horrible nightmares, in fact I can't recall ever having a good dream. The only ones that I consider 'good' are actually very terrifying and bad, but have a 'cool' aspect to them. Like a horror movie that has a badass hero somewhere in it. I can fully feel pain in my dreams, which is why I wonder why people say you can't, and also can die in dreams just fine without waking up like they claim you can't. I wake up screaming, sleep paralysis, sometimes on the other side of the room, crying, fighting invisible things, you name it. I used to be a lot worse about the waking up actions than I am now, but I think that's more self programming because it's a bit hard to hold down a relationship when you scream and fight things at all hours lol. Anyhow, that was a bit of background but what I'm wondering is this-
A lot of people get their communications through dreams, and I was thinking this should work well for me since mine are so vivid and realistic. I often dream of aliens, but it's nothing new as I did just as much before I had a clue that there were any around at all. (Never doubted their existence, just didn't know any were around earth at all). I use the word aliens besides ET's because what I'm dreaming of aren't good, they aren't benevolent, I'm pretty sure they're just my own leftover fantasy life sticking around to haunt me. Long story short, the dreams haven't changed at all.
Every night I do my fail attempt at meditation, I visualize protective light, I ask for protection from beings of the light, ask for communication, and to remember and be lucid during my dreams. Then proceed to wake up every hour shaking, soaked, and terrified. There's no messages, there can't be, as it's all just senseless torture and violence. For example last night I dreamt of having my face torn off by a bison. What? Meaning? Doubt it lol. But that's the exception rather than the norm. Usually it's involving torture, rape, imprisonment, slavery, beatings, desperation, that type of stuff. It feels like there should be a message somewhere, but I can't find one. I seriously just think it's my own screwed up stuff.
My question I guess is does this mean I have too much emotional garbage for any kind of contact to even get through, or am I just hoping for something that isn't meant for me and this isn't how it's going to happen? I feel like I'm over everything I usually dream about, like those events don't even cross my mind anymore and when they do I honestly feel nothing towards them (horray dissociation!). And if it is just plain old nightmares, then wtf can I do about them? I'm scared to sleep and honestly haven't been much because they've gotten so much more vivid and painful (literally) lately, it's like when I was on effexor. I'm sure at least one person on this site knows what I'm talking about with that. But I'm med free and have been for like 3 years. I feel like I've tried every know technique both scientific and spiritual to get any kind of peace during the night, but it just never ends.
Is anyone else experiencing this? Or do you know if it means something? Maybe I just am crazy like everyone has been telling me my whole life.