Intl. Starseed Network
Reuniting Humanity With Their Divinity...It's Time
Would like some help healing- Adult stuff, Relating to abuse in past, men, and loving a man's sacred masculine.
Thoughts- and if anyone has ideas for healing, that would be great.
I have never dated a man. I have never kissed a man. I'm 26 and the most I've done is held hands with someone (who ended up dating my best friend of nine years, who dumped me when he asked her out). Physically, I feel anxiety everytime I think I'm attractive, or that a man might find me physically attractive, I don't feel comfortable with my body in certain ways.
So naturally, I created a 'shield' of body, and now am starting to reach a point of my obesity where it's 'loose weight or die'. That sounds dramatic but it's true.
It was today that I realised something... that men are sacred and that they're not all bad guys. That, by being afraid of sexuality and of men in general, I was not acknowledged a man's sacred masculine or the sacred masculine in myself, and that I was looking at all men as if they were potential rapists or capable of physical and/or emotional assault. And that I saw a penis as a weapon, as something that could hurt, not actually as an important part of a man... it was to serve him alone.
I suppose, if you're a guy and reading this, it might offend you that I thought like that... that I assumed you were going to rape me, or abuse me physically or emotionally, but this was what I got taught as I grew up. My father was emotionally and physically abusive, and being an empath, I know that at one point he was close to even going into another area of abuse, but I managed to escape that by sheer flexibility and a lock on my door till he calmed down. I witnessed my father roleplay slavery online, heard him verbally speak to his slaves when he thought I wasn't home, and treat my mother badly as he got more into his Gorien lifestyle by just ignoring her in favour of his slaves.
Add that onto how I was preyed on by adult men, when I was 11-14 online for sexual roleplay (which I didn't actually participate in, I just wrote words that made them happy and sat there bored out of my brain.) before I was really ready for it, and I got used to that idea... that this was what men were. Abusive, that their needs came first, and ...so naturally I gained weight from 11 onwards.
I also have blocks in my lower two chakra, always have, and I'd like to change that.
I'm not sure what I'm asking for, helpwise, to not be afraid of men? To let them come close physically? To accept their (and my own) sacred masculine? Even if people just want to share their opinion or to say 'I'm not like that!'... something to help me reinforce this idea? To finally be able to loose this shield that might shortern my life too much, that might prevent me from being a mother to my kids waiting in spirit?
I don't know... but I do know that I would like to bounce this off others and finally learn what lesson that comes with this.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Steve on -
:) Sarah. A very brave post to make. I am sending you pure, unconditional love; and even though I haven't been here regularly recently, you remain very much in my thoughts. You are always welcome to e'mail me if you wish.
With love,
Steve
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Permalink Reply by Corynder Sarah on -
I'd just like to add... if people feel uncomfortable, I'm sorry if I provoke this, but I think it's important for fathers and mothers to think about this. I have no anger towards my father- I've forgiven him time and time again since I was a little girl, and it wasn't till recently that I understood I was taking on the role of 'mother' for him because his own mother was abusive... he had no idea of unconditional love and forgiveness.
That sounds a bit egotistical... but that was what I did, I forgave him time and time again, loved and still love him unconditionally, but it didn't change that I also viewed him as -my- father in return. I understand and respect his need at the time to explore his sexuality that he might have supressed for a long time... but he wasn't being mindful of what his children were learning from it.
So I think it's important for parents (and myself in the future) to think about that- what are we offering our children in terms of a role model? I, for example, have no memory of seeing my parents kiss or embrace or share any intimate loving moment in front of me. The examples I got were from sex ed, from the internet, and in my teen years, from my father's new obsession with Gorien.
I suppose that's partly why I feel it's important to share... intimacy, non-sexual, is so important to be seen... for a child to see! To let them know that it's okay, to kiss, to cuddle, to hug, whatever... it's their parents who they first get this lesson from.
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Permalink Reply by Corynder Sarah on
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Thankyou... I just felt like it wasn't just me that maybe needed to hear that, that a man was a sacred creature too, a sacred masculine image, and that they weren't all that type. :) It's crazy- logically I've always known that but emotionally, physically? No clue. I had no clue. I wrote about men in loving partnerships, great partners most of the time, great lovers, husbands, I write them for my characters... never realizing that these men exist in reality as well.
I almost feel like I have to apologize to men for seeing them in that light. lol
I will, glad to hear from you. I haven't been here regually either... Needed some time alone to write.
Love to you too.
Steve said::) Sarah. A very brave post to make. I am sending you pure, unconditional love; and even though I haven't been here regularly recently, you remain very much in my thoughts. You are always welcome to e'mail me if you wish.
With love,
Steve
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Permalink Reply by Steve on
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Public affection wasn't shown from my parents either, so I understand very well this aspect of things. Hugs are very important for children and adults alike, but I think sometimes when that isn't demonstrated within a family situation, there are confusing and conflicting feelings that arise as one grows into adulthood. For example, I used to feel I shouldn't enjoy being hugged, but working through all of that allowed me to demonstrate affection towards my own family and friends. Not all male friends appreciate a hug, but one just learns instinctively that a touch on the arm or shoulder can be appreciated. Life is certainly a learning experience; but love is a natural state of being :)
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Permalink Reply by Sarah Coddington on -
My father was emotionally abusive while I was growing up, and overall very distant from me - hell, I'm 22 and we STILL haven't worked things out. He's rather immature when it comes to problem solving... heheh anywho, this is a very touchy subject for me - so congrats on being so brave, upfront and honest chick. I'm very protective of myself as well when it comes to men, because of having daddy issues and an ex of 3 years that just ripped my heart out... Luckily I found a guy that loves me for me, and would do anything for me. My point is, life is about being vulnerable.. You'll come to realize, when the time is ready, that you are perfect just the way you are, and soooo many people out there love you already - so why not love yourself, and let someone else love you as well? This is something I struggle with on a daily basis... but, it gets easier with time. My boyfriend and I have been together 3-4 months, and trusting him 100 percent is something I STILL struggle with. But, I'm making progress... slowly tearing down the walls I have built up to protect myself from getting hurt. You know what, the joy and pain love brings is so worth it... because it gives you experience, the saying "it is better to love and lost than to never have loved at all" does have some truth to it. One day chicky, you will find someone that just completes you... but you must learn to love yourself first. Good luck dear, you are oh so beautiful inside and out... <3
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Permalink Reply by Corynder Sarah on
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I love hugs... but I get all awkward about them, like I'm never sure I'm doing it right. :) So it probably doesn't help it.
Agreed... touch is so important. It's like we need re-education as adults about our needs ... that intimacy isn't just getting in the sack, it's other things too.
Steve said:Public affection wasn't shown from my parents either, so I understand very well this aspect of things. Hugs are very important for children and adults alike, but I think sometimes when that isn't demonstrated within a family situation, there are confusing and conflicting feelings that arise as one grows into adulthood. For example, I used to feel I shouldn't enjoy being hugged, but working through all of that allowed me to demonstrate affection towards my own family and friends. Not all male friends appreciate a hug, but one just learns instinctively that a touch on the arm or shoulder can be appreciated. Life is certainly a learning experience; but love is a natural state of being :)
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Permalink Reply by Corynder Sarah on
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Thankyou! :) I'd love to try mantras. It might help.
SiTaRa said:Sarah this is a brave post and the first step is that you've taken to address it is probably the hardest step :)
I know how men can be; i had a dismal relationship with my father; and every man thereafter.
i think the key is to accept like you did (that not all men are the same) , some are really special and sacred :)
Belief can go far; have faith in it also.
The way to heal wont be overnight; it will take some mantra's and visualisations , i find for myself that worked.
<3 <3
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Permalink Reply by Corynder Sarah on
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That's what I've been working on for years, loving myself. :) I think there's a point where you can do with a bit of help from outside as well though. Some lessons you can't learn on your own.
That's wonderful that you ofund a guy. :)
Sarah Coddington said:My father was emotionally abusive while I was growing up, and overall very distant from me - hell, I'm 22 and we STILL haven't worked things out. He's rather immature when it comes to problem solving... heheh anywho, this is a very touchy subject for me - so congrats on being so brave, upfront and honest chick. I'm very protective of myself as well when it comes to men, because of having daddy issues and an ex of 3 years that just ripped my heart out... Luckily I found a guy that loves me for me, and would do anything for me. My point is, life is about being vulnerable.. You'll come to realize, when the time is ready, that you are perfect just the way you are, and soooo many people out there love you already - so why not love yourself, and let someone else love you as well? This is something I struggle with on a daily basis... but, it gets easier with time. My boyfriend and I have been together 3-4 months, and trusting him 100 percent is something I STILL struggle with. But, I'm making progress... slowly tearing down the walls I have built up to protect myself from getting hurt. You know what, the joy and pain love brings is so worth it... because it gives you experience, the saying "it is better to love and lost than to never have loved at all" does have some truth to it. One day chicky, you will find someone that just completes you... but you must learn to love yourself first. Good luck dear, you are oh so beautiful inside and out... <3
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Permalink Reply by david smith on -
hey cory brave post i admire the honesty and courage to put yourself out there like that takes alot and hopefully it's the first step towards healing this issue on a deeper level for u :) Doing the Art Therapy course that u have done yourself i found it was geared and directed to the female point of view,also there was quite biased in a 1 maybe 2 of my teachers to the female aspect of creativity. As u point out it's about balance u cannot have one without the other light without dark etc and would suggest (when your ready) to embrace or at least explore your male side like watching sporting event live (wit all the boys/blokes)or better still playing or training in one, connecting to that energy that been repressed and u may be surprised u may enjoy it on some level :) dosen't have 2 be sport but something pyschical would help u connect with your male energy quicker and bring about intergration just my thoughts well done !!!!!!!!!! :P
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Permalink Reply by Kelly Lightchalice on -
Corynder Sarah, you beautiful lady... you really touched my heart and I wish we could sit down for a woman chat with a glass of wine... we'd have so much to talk about.
First of all, I'm very sorry you experienced what you have... You have matured greatly from it but no matter if it is fate, karma or whatever...you deserve love and carnal happiness like everyone else.
I'm not here to judge your father, and I have deep respect that you have moved on, I can't say I would have if it had been me.
Being an empath and a woman is a terribly difficult thing, isn't it? I relate, believe me, when I was younger I was terrified of most men because I met so many child molestors, I shut down most of my abilities by the time I was in my teens. Even then, it is only because I had the happy chance of meeting guys that became good friends that I was able to relate to them as people and not predators... lol, though I can still read them like a book and yes, alot of them are simply after one thing so don't beat yourself up about it that you can sense that...
The trick is to see that they aren't all the same and there are some amazingly sensitive and intelligent men out there who would cherish you for who you are and not a physical sensation that you could offer. Of course, too...one must look at age and maturity, you may feel more comfortable with more mature people, because you are mature for your age.
That being said, a good process to align your male and female aspects (because all relationships are a karmic mirror of yourself)is through meditation using the infinity symbol as a sign of the blending of masculine and feminine sides of your brain/self... This also works to loosen up your sacral chakra if you were to stand up, (do this with music 'cause it's more fun)and swivel your hips in an eternity symbol. And don't forget to keep your spine and pelvis straight and perpendicular to the floor.
There is another thing you can do to help your base chakras but this is a family site so I will not even go there.
PS. Men were deprived of the their feminine aspects so it's really not their fault that they have been programmed a certain way, just sayin'... and now they are aligning so it's not going to be that way anymore.
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