It was around 8:30 PM and like every other day after I come home from work, I turned on my computer and logged in to Starseeds.net. I sat on my comfortable computer chair; the plush green cushions supported my tired back and my aching hips. After a few minutes of my usual annoying presence on the chat, I realized that I had no clean garments to wear the next day to work.

I got up from my comfy computer chair and walked to my walk-in closet at the far end of my room. Scattered clothing lay over the entire carpet-covered closet floor. My laundry basket was totally overstuffed with dirty laundry and the occasional shoe. I kneeled on the carpet and began to separate my clothes into separate piles to wash. My blacks in one pile and my whites in another, while my undergarments and socks were also separated into their own colorful piles.

Leaving the closet and the piles of dirty laundry, I walked to the washing machine which is just outside of my room. I added washing detergent to the washer and some bleach for my white pile of laundry. The tile floor felt cold on my bare feet as I walked into my room and into my closet. I took off my shirt and my jeans and added them to their according piles. I scooped up the white pile of dirty laundry in my arms and took them to the washer. I dropped the laundry in, turned the knob and turned on the washer.

A few minutes later, I was back on my plush computer chair, enjoying a fine conversation about dreams with a friend of mine on Starseeds.net, when I heard a loud yell. In a house full of quarreling siblings and strict parents, yelling is not a rarity, so it went unnoticed to me. It was after a minute or so that I realized what all the commotion was about; the washer. Apparently, I was not allowed to do laundry after 8:00 PM. My dad burst into my room, without knocking! I was half-naked! So he burst into my room and started yelling at me. He said that I KNEW that I wasn’t supposed to do laundry past 8. I told him that I had no idea and that was I sorry. He glared at me and called me a “fucking idiot”, it stung so I said that I wasn’t a “fucking idiot”. Next thing I know, I’m on the floor, while he kicked me and punched me. I just closed my eyes and disconnected my mind from my body. I had the sensation of being tossed around and being hit, but I felt no pain. It felt distant, not really hurting but a sensation of pressure where each blow landed. He told me to get up but I didn’t listen to him, I stayed there on the cold floor while he mercilessly yelled insults to me. After he saw that I would get up, he grabbed me by my ears and tried to lift me up but that only caused his nails to dig and tear my skin, causing me to bleed. I fell back to the floor after his failed attempt to pick me up; all the time I didn’t think about blood that was now smeared on the floor, my back and my head. He slapped me across the face hard enough for me to feel momentarily disoriented. I remember seeing his shoes leave my room and the door close behind him as I slowly got up to my feet.

It’s funny to think that the first thing I did, after I was back on my feet, was to laugh. I laughed hysterically for a minute; I had no idea why but I did. I had won by simply not fighting back and what’s best is that I had not felt the pain as he beat me. However, I did feel a wave of emotions come over me; shame, guilt, pain, loneliness, anger, abandonment, and extreme sorrow. I cried for a little while among the laundry piles in my closet. I did not cry because I was just beat or because my ears were still bleeding, staining one of my ONLY white bras a deep red. No, I did not cry for the physical pain that I felt; I cried because of the emotional abuse I had just gone through. I have been called names for the vast majority of my life and I have been hit before. My parents divorced when I was young and I now live with my dad and my step-mother. My real mother did not want me, even as an embryo I was unwanted, I have been told how my real mommy would punch herself in the belly when she was pregnant with me. I am sure that I felt the negative energies coming from her while I was in her womb. Since the beginning of my life here on earth, since the day I was conceived, I have been emotionally and physically abused.

I do not harbor any resentment, well at least now I don’t. In a way, I am almost thankful that I went through that, it taught me to become strong and capable of handling difficult situations. Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of size, gender, or strength, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars.

After I was done crying out my negative feelings in the closet, I went back to my chair and told the chat on Starseeds, what had just happened. Everyone was very supportive and one member gave a link:

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse....

If you have the time, take some minutes to read this over. Maybe it could be helpful to you or someone else you might know who is going through abuse. Others are not as strong as some of us Starseeds are. We are full of love and light and we manage to overcome almost anything that live throws at us but others are not so and they succumb to negative feelings more often. Many times people who live in abuse are killed or commit suicide.

Noticing and acknowledging the warning signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, don’t hesitate to reach out. There is help available.

“Women don’t have to live in fear, if you’re in the U.S., call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).

UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.

Canada: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-363-9010.

Australia: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1800 200 526.

Or visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a worldwide list of helplines, shelters, and crisis centers.

Male victims of abuse can call: In the US, The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women specializes in supporting male victims of abuse and offers a 24-hour helpline: 1-888-7HELPLINE (1-888-743-5754).

UK: ManKind Initiative offers a national helpline at 01823 334244.

Australia: One in Three Campaign offers help and resources for male victims.”

here are some pics that stood out to me:

I hope this helps anyone who is going through any tough times out there.

Much love, Snow Leopard