The Consciousness Has Shifted...The Awakening Has Begun
It was around 8:30 PM and like every other day after I come home from work, I turned on my computer and logged in to Starseeds.net. I sat on my comfortable computer chair; the plush green cushions supported my tired back and my aching hips. After a few minutes of my usual annoying presence on the chat, I realized that I had no clean garments to wear the next day to work.
I got up from my comfy computer chair and walked to my walk-in closet at the far end of my room. Scattered clothing lay over the entire carpet-covered closet floor. My laundry basket was totally overstuffed with dirty laundry and the occasional shoe. I kneeled on the carpet and began to separate my clothes into separate piles to wash. My blacks in one pile and my whites in another, while my undergarments and socks were also separated into their own colorful piles.
Leaving the closet and the piles of dirty laundry, I walked to the washing machine which is just outside of my room. I added washing detergent to the washer and some bleach for my white pile of laundry. The tile floor felt cold on my bare feet as I walked into my room and into my closet. I took off my shirt and my jeans and added them to their according piles. I scooped up the white pile of dirty laundry in my arms and took them to the washer. I dropped the laundry in, turned the knob and turned on the washer.
A few minutes later, I was back on my plush computer chair, enjoying a fine conversation about dreams with a friend of mine on Starseeds.net, when I heard a loud yell. In a house full of quarreling siblings and strict parents, yelling is not a rarity, so it went unnoticed to me. It was after a minute or so that I realized what all the commotion was about; the washer. Apparently, I was not allowed to do laundry after 8:00 PM. My dad burst into my room, without knocking! I was half-naked! So he burst into my room and started yelling at me. He said that I KNEW that I wasn’t supposed to do laundry past 8. I told him that I had no idea and that was I sorry. He glared at me and called me a “fucking idiot”, it stung so I said that I wasn’t a “fucking idiot”. Next thing I know, I’m on the floor, while he kicked me and punched me. I just closed my eyes and disconnected my mind from my body. I had the sensation of being tossed around and being hit, but I felt no pain. It felt distant, not really hurting but a sensation of pressure where each blow landed. He told me to get up but I didn’t listen to him, I stayed there on the cold floor while he mercilessly yelled insults to me. After he saw that I would get up, he grabbed me by my ears and tried to lift me up but that only caused his nails to dig and tear my skin, causing me to bleed. I fell back to the floor after his failed attempt to pick me up; all the time I didn’t think about blood that was now smeared on the floor, my back and my head. He slapped me across the face hard enough for me to feel momentarily disoriented. I remember seeing his shoes leave my room and the door close behind him as I slowly got up to my feet.
It’s funny to think that the first thing I did, after I was back on my feet, was to laugh. I laughed hysterically for a minute; I had no idea why but I did. I had won by simply not fighting back and what’s best is that I had not felt the pain as he beat me. However, I did feel a wave of emotions come over me; shame, guilt, pain, loneliness, anger, abandonment, and extreme sorrow. I cried for a little while among the laundry piles in my closet. I did not cry because I was just beat or because my ears were still bleeding, staining one of my ONLY white bras a deep red. No, I did not cry for the physical pain that I felt; I cried because of the emotional abuse I had just gone through. I have been called names for the vast majority of my life and I have been hit before. My parents divorced when I was young and I now live with my dad and my step-mother. My real mother did not want me, even as an embryo I was unwanted, I have been told how my real mommy would punch herself in the belly when she was pregnant with me. I am sure that I felt the negative energies coming from her while I was in her womb. Since the beginning of my life here on earth, since the day I was conceived, I have been emotionally and physically abused.
I do not harbor any resentment, well at least now I don’t. In a way, I am almost thankful that I went through that, it taught me to become strong and capable of handling difficult situations. Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of size, gender, or strength, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars.
After I was done crying out my negative feelings in the closet, I went back to my chair and told the chat on Starseeds, what had just happened. Everyone was very supportive and one member gave a link:
If you have the time, take some minutes to read this over. Maybe it could be helpful to you or someone else you might know who is going through abuse. Others are not as strong as some of us Starseeds are. We are full of love and light and we manage to overcome almost anything that live throws at us but others are not so and they succumb to negative feelings more often. Many times people who live in abuse are killed or commit suicide.
Noticing and acknowledging the warning signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, don’t hesitate to reach out. There is help available.
“Women don’t have to live in fear, if you’re in the U.S., call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
Canada: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-363-9010.
Australia: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1800 200 526.
Or visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a worldwide list of helplines, shelters, and crisis centers.
Male victims of abuse can call: In the US, The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men & Women specializes in supporting male victims of abuse and offers a 24-hour helpline: 1-888-7HELPLINE (1-888-743-5754).
UK: ManKind Initiative offers a national helpline at 01823 334244.
Australia: One in Three Campaign offers help and resources for male victims.”
here are some pics that stood out to me:
I hope this helps anyone who is going through any tough times out there.
Much love, Snow Leopard
I would like to give you a big virtual hug. I have experienced similar things and what you wrote really touched me deeply. many blessings, my dear!
My heart goes out to you..you are one brave lady, I've been there... But once abuser always abuser, there is no nice way to deal with it, everything you do will provoke it, if you are quiet or if you are fighting back, there is no win win unless you walk away from the situation. When I moved out it was the first time I said I have a home not a house or a flat, a home. I found peace in my heart and soul and the healing process had begun.. You cannot do it in toxic environment and I do hope you have will find a way out of this situation.
I found that information on this page http://www.bravewoman.org/ and it's a devastating fact.
Snow, thank you for sharing this. You are absolutely right, no one should be treated in this way and this is very serious. Thank you for posting the links for others, but my question is, what are you going to do to remove yourself from this situation? If you are going to help and advise others you first need to help yourself. Thanks for sharing, but some of us will now be concerned about you being in this situation....please let us know how you are and what you are going to do next. ((((((((((Much love sister))))))))))) Josie
You are a amazing! A beacon of light! Sharing this was hard and you showed your courage again. Bless you and Thank you! If you need anything - we are all here to help you! Just ask and we will do whatever we can to help you out of that toxic environment. Hope you are safe now. Namaste
Big Hugs to you Snow Leopard !
It looks like its your time to end this nasty cycle of violence... this person needs to know there will be consequences for this type action he has chosen, it cannot go on any longer, its time to end it !
You have all the support you need !
I know the feeling of being unwanted.. My "mother" got pregnant when she was on birth control and using a condom. Then the tests came up negative till I was 6 months along and it was too late to abort. I was born 6 weeks prematurely via c-section with the umbilical cord wrapped twice around the neck. I have been hated on and abused as well throughout My entire life. After 2 abusive relationships in a row I realized that I cant be in relationships. It took a near death experience to realize I was better off single. The best thing you can do when being beaten is to not let them feed off of your energy at all. Do not fear them and do not even hate them. Picture them as a victim, picture them as being the one that is scared and feel compassion for them as usually abusers have been abused at one time in their life. I did this and spoke positive words of love and he put his hand over My mouth as if the words were knives... he was afraid, after that I had the power, not him. If not for that I truly believe I would have been murdered that night.
If I could do it all over again I would have not chickened out and just gone for it when I started with the fingers into the eye-sockets... I've realized now that not sticking up for yourself gets you nowhere in life. That same ex still tries to push buttons and instill the fear so I'm thinking I should have taken the other route. Some people are just like lice and need to be exterminated as they hold us back.
Love & light to you. <3
I just read this love and want to say how much I admire your courage. Take care of yourself. Blessed be. Namaia (Kate).
Very brave of you to share this and as much as I respect your non violent reaction to your father's abuse I personally would love to beat the everliving snot out of him and ask him how he likes it...no parent should ever treat their child with hate, malice and abuse..ever. Much love to you snow but remember it's always ok to walk away from a situation that is abusive, it's not a test of your strength which requires you to stay. ♥♥