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I feel like I tried everything and I can't escape depression

I'll try not to make this sound like venting. It's a fact, my whole like I've been depressed, but I tried to keep my head up and went through ups and downs and I'm still alive and function well. That well that people are shocked when I admit I'm depressed.

In past, I used to drink to numb the pain and did all wrong destructive things to try to survive this. I'm clean now. Talking to psychologists didn't help. Having many good friends didn't too. Doing what I love doesn't solve it neither. I exercise and eat healthy. I spend time in nature. I meditate. I tried serving others. My living circumstances are good and I'm grateful and humble. I don't want to travel. I rejected many material things. I don't have desires and I'm fine with just being. I need a little.

I haven't written here for months because I tried to help myself by reading and practising energy work and things you talk about on this site. But like everything I've tried before, it only worked for me for a short time. I was excited how I discovered something new and now I don't have interest in it anymore. Actually, it felt exhausting to do so much and try so hard, so I just needed to let it all go.

I've lost everything I've ever believed in and now there's nothing. It's like I'm done, I don't want to search anymore, but for some reason I'm still here. I don't belong, like I don't have a home. I'm disconnected, dissociated and everything nice I do is just a distraction from feeling horrible inside. I don't know anything. I feel fake all the time. I try to stay positive and accept everything. Or I try to be an activist and fight evil. Either way, I feel the same and the world is the same.

It's like I'm trapped in this physical body and in this dimension. The only times I feel ok is when I sleep, dream or go astral. But it's so temporary and I can't escape this prison life on earth is, globally. I tried changing my perception, but that is just deceiving myself. I don't think suicide is a solution, but how can I feel better? It's like I'm waiting to die, just how much longer of this nonsense. Only thing I haven't tried are antidepressants, for reasons you probably know, but should I? Where do I go from here?

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Hi Vala

Have you concidered a vitamin D deficiency? This is a very common occursnce in the current environment, especially among women. We don't get vitamin D from food, our bodies make it from sunlight.(one of the benefits of being outdoors) I think the best D supplement is cod liver oil. The purest is from the cold waters off the coast of Norway. You can get D3 in the pharmacy, but you need to take A and natural E with it (nat. E d alpha tocopherol, don't get dl alpha tocopherol,it doesn't work. Cod liver oil has A and E naturally occurring in it.
Trust me, I've done everything from chakra balancing, salt baths, smudging, and cannabis( which is an excellent immediate but temporary fix for depression. I hope you try vitamin D. Sometimes the simplest thing is all you need to change your life.

love&Peace,
Dodee

What you write is exactly how my life feels and has been as well. Even powerful medicine bordering on making me unable to drive doesn't help my depression.

Similarly, I have many good things, and good things going for me - but it all just feels like dust on the table.

I am alone but I don't ever really feel alone so I dont think it is responsibble for my depression.

I did however learn something maybe a year or so ago, and still now I am settling into it - something that made me feel much more... authentic and at ease in some way. "Life purpose" is a terrible concept. You think you are supposed to be doing something every day, or there is a reason you were sent here. It is especially glaring for starseeds. For me, the healing came when I realised there is no purpose to my life other than I'm damaged greatly and need repair. There is no mission. We are inmates in an planet asylum.

I sorta feel like I've got this "i dont give a fuck" chip on my shoulder nowadays, but it feels better than being upset about being some kind of employee to the corporation of existence.

I'd give antidepressants a try, because it can make you gleeful for no reason, and sometimes that is the only feasible way to get through the day. But we all have different tolerances.

NO, don't try anti depressants

also depression is an ironically fixative state of belief that you should be feeling better, but you would only know how to fall into such a state if you've felt better before, just the contrast of the knowledge needed to compare the types of ways you've felt disqualifies depression as paradoxical nonsense, and signifies a capability to feel another way, unless you start doing drugs, then you're f'ed

what I did was I started re-forming how my brain uses symbols and associations like language

example: stopped trying to be happy. I re-associated happiness as a fleeting emotion to be felt on occasion, whereas my previous thought was it seemed to be a goal you can reach in life, people try to make happiness seem that way, however that remains a falsehood, a totally happy life is more of a front people say to seem appealing in small conversation with others etc etc

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