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A Summary of My Traumatizing Past and the Resulting Spiritual Outcome

    When I was young, 7 years of age, I began to experience what would medically be diagnosed as night terrors, but since that would be only an outside interpretation, I'm sure there is a known spiritual label that sums up what was really happening to me specifically. I had my first OBE two weeks(or so) before this began. The foundation of what happened was, my temporarily accelerated rate of picking up vibrations, resulting from the OBE, had gotten me to pick up on some energetic signals carrying the torturous experiences I endured. The OBE I had before those horrible experiences was very positive in nature, but it had cracked my spiritual self open like a walnut, and I became a metaphorical vacuum, sucking in all the vibrations around me at a very high rate. I know this because it was "conveyed" to me during my consciousness connection experience(second OBE), which was around 5 years ago.

   So, the experiences began. I would be in the process of falling asleep at night, but when I lost consciousness, I immediately started accumulating and experiencing a series of images, and flashbacks to memories that weren't mine. These images covered an entire lifetime of any one living being, and so I would basically re-experience a lifetime of a very painful, abusive and seemingly meaningless existence within, what felt like, seconds. After that accumulation, I would drop into the body of this being at some point and experience it's last minutes, which consisted of being the victim of disgustingly violent behavior conducted by a human being(s). Everything is felt and even amplified to a certain degree... pain, emotions, the whole shot, except I could not control my body or my thoughts and feelings through my own will at all, I was just along for the ride while attached to this being in this way. The being I would experience just does it's own thing by it's own will, so I was experiencing that beings' thoughts and feelings rather than my own at the time. I basically was that being for those moments. Within this torturous part of these experiences, everything is coated in shades of red. Talking about this kind of trauma is one thing, we hear about it everyday, but experiencing it is spiritually deafening. 

    I will not go into the true detail of any one of these experiences for the sake of my sanity and yours, but I will bring out the highlights and how I feel so you can get the picture, so if your sensitive to negative descriptions then I would suggest you skip the next paragraph.

   Every one of these experiences revealed to me, what an unbelievably horrific life under a human foot felt like. I know how it feels to be hated for absolutely no logical reason at all. I felt the bare body of a human being imposing itself on me as it encourages a cheap mundane pleasure within itself by causing my suffering on both a physical and emotional scale. I know what it feels like to be caged for years in a basement, barely fed, living in my own excrement while watching my kin in separate cages living in the same deplorable condition while the daily activities were either getting let outside the cage to be brutally beaten (among other things) by a human being(s) , who would smile while they did this, or to witness that abuse happen to my brothers and sisters while feeling helpless to stop it... then having my last moments in that very condition, enduring the same suffering aspect of that life in the end... a life that had nothing but that meaningless reality to experience while it existed within that body. An entire life of pointless suffering all because these human beings wanted to enjoy dominating another conscious being. I remember the cages being deliberately uncovered so that we would have to watch. That's just an EXTREMELY vague description of some of the thousands of these experiences I had endured. A real description would probably have you clenching your fists and grinding you teeth if you read it, that is, if this paragraph didn't do that to you already.

   Anyway, I experienced one of these experiences at first. I remember, I woke up and sat up immediately and screamed so loud, sweating profusely with my heart pounding (Remember, I'm 7 years old at the time). The next day, I went to bed and it happened again, only this time, after waking up from it and then calming down enough to fall back asleep, I had another torturous experience within another body. It stayed at 2 experiences a night for couple of days, then it went to 3, then four, ect.. I don't have the ability to recollect anything outside of these experiences and me waking up in bed repeatedly drenched in sweat, after it started exceeding four experiences a night. I can only say it was around 8 months to a year that this lasted. It must have reached 40 to 50 experiences a night before plateaued and started declining in repetition.

   Since I was so young, I only was effected by the fact that I had to experience the pain of these horrors, rather than interpreting their true purpose and nature. Children are stronger than we know... I say this because although I was greatly effected by this pain after the experiences stopped, I did not consume myself in negativity at that age, probably because I was a child. It did not prevent me from being a class clown in elementary school and my young energy didn't seem to weaver in the slightest... in fact, it seemed like the pain increased my hyperactive energy. If I were to experience these things today, I'm sure I would not survive. The more I grew, the more I tried to decipher the meaning behind why I experienced these things and applied that to myself. As briefly mentioned on my profile info, this traumatizing past gradually developed within myself, a very strong hatred toward humanity. As the years went by, my hatred swelled and the pain of my past fueled its' contents. I could care less that I had to experience the pain of the memories of those experiences anymore, I was more affected by empathizing with the beings that had to endure it. I cared more about the world around me than I cared about myself.

   At first, I was the victim, and I had justifications for my feelings and emotional conclusions, but those justifications only served as a conduit for the growth of my utter hatred towards all human beings. Though my ideals were twisted, I had a positive intention that justified my reasoning. I figured that the human species is a negative force and causes incredible suffering inside and outside of themselves. This was all confirmed, and reflected by the way we live and the way we treat Nature and the life around us, and of course, how we treat ourselves. Because of these experiences, it was easy for me to see how we treated animals very soon after these experiences. In fact, I remember partially recognizing little things here and there even before those experiences. later on in my childhood (11 or 12), I could see our completely barbaric, destructive, selfish, pleasure seeking Nature and it completely disgusted me, more so as I grew and developed my hatred based mindset. It got so bad that in my late teen years, my heart would pound and my face would turn into an intense emotion of full negativity and disgust by simply by thinking of or perceiving the human species in any way, shape or form. I couldn't even handle seeing a bare human form without feeling like I'm dying on the inside. I used to cross out the word "human," in my science books in school, because simply reading or saying the word filled my heart with rage. I didn't send out that hatred toward any individual for personal reasons, but for more broad reasons, I hated what they were... what I was. It was around 11 or 12 years old when I started to fully take in the fact that I was one of these horrible beings walking the Earth, participating in the very way of life that facilitates the kind of suffering I endured in those experiences. I began to hate myself along with my species. I started to feel very guilty for being what I was... a human being.

    Disgust in myself and my species turned into horrible depression years later. I started acting out with rebellious behavior in school and at home. I want to quote myself from a message I sent to a friend recently.

 --- " When I was 14, I was going through the whole hating humanity and myself thing, and I had a 14 day countdown to my suicide going on. I told some friends about it, but not my parents. One of my friends' mother overheard me talking about my countdown to her son, and she told my mother about it when I had 5 days remaining on my timetable. Instead of my mother finding out why her son was so sad, she decided to have me locked up in a mental facility in the ghetto(Detroit, 8-mile & Gratiot), where they stuffed me full of medications and locked me in living room sized area with 15 other emotionally confused kids. My dad wasn't involved with my life in the slightest. Besides making some money... he only went out to drink with his buddies or came home screwed up on pills to the point of not being able to move or even talk, so he played no part in the decision to put me in the psych ward.

    I was the only white person in the entire facility, everyone else was from African descent, including the staff and doctors, making me a social outcast by default. None of the staff or psychiatrists gave a damn about any of the kids there though, black or white. We had no outside time at all, the food was so bad that the only thing I would eat was the cereal. My brother says the same thing about his experience in jail. We had a foosball table with no ball (we had to ask for it, and usually no one cared enough to give one to us when we wanted to play), we had one TV with no cable or antennas, just 3 Disney VHS cartoon movies that were for children 8 years younger than us, and a playstation with nothing but a couple of 5 minute demos to play. WE had absolutely nothing to do. They didn't even have enough seats for everyone, so half of us would have to sit or lay on the floor the entire day. The only thing the people there did for the mental health of the kids, was a 5 minute group therapy session everyday, where we would all sit in a circle and one staff member would ask each kid why they were in the hospital. Every one of us was in there for feeling like we wanted to die/kill ourselves, so after each of us said that, they would ask us each individually if we still feel that way, and we would all lie and say, "No," in an attempt to try and get out of that miserable place. That was all they did as far as group activities went (besides giving us neurotoxic medications called antidepressants and antipsychotics to our growing young minds in the middle of a crucial developing stage). They only conducted that group session because they had to, so that the doctors could fill the necessary paperwork to cover their asses, fulfill their stats and, of course, make big money off of kids who wanted to die. The medications they were giving me were giving me headaches, making me throw up constantly and I could hardly function or sleep.

   After 5 or 6 days in that hellhole, I came up with a lie for the psychiatrist, a story that I purposely allowed my friends' mother to overhear the conversation about my suicidal countdown all to get more attention from my parents, and that I never wanted to kill myself, which was so far from the truth it was pathetic. I was actually planning on killing myself, because of the hatred toward myself and humanity due to the horrible torturous experiences. I really, actually wanted to die very badly. My physical life at home was not abusive in the slightest. My household was average, average, AVERAGE. We had an average income and lived in an average middle-class neighborhood, had average distant family relationships, I went to an average school and got above average grades, my parents were emotionally disconnected from themselves and me (which sadly, is the average american household), ect., ect..  When I got out of the hospital and back into my home, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about my life changed... you would expect my parents to realize the importance of understanding their child and do something, but it all stayed the same, except I learned to keep my mouth shut and bottle all of these terrible feelings inside even more. Though, tobe fair, even if they tried very hard to understand me, I would have kept my mouth shut about what I went through and how I thought. I was inspired to stay alive instead of committing suicide, to become a negative force toward humanity for what we are doing to the world, including ourselves. Back then, it was my decision to follow some advice I gave to myself soon after my torturous experiences, advice saying to not trust other humans with the contents of my experiences, both the good ones, and the bad ones. That kept me from exposing the my experiences to anyone, which in all reality, kept me out of places like that facility."---

---    

After all of that, my hatred continued to grow. I kept finding myself unintentionally engaging in negative thoughts to relieve myself of the pressure caused by my guilt and pain. I cried every night, filled with shame, guilt and pain caused by terrible memories from my past, and so, it felt satisfying to fantasize about creating a better world, which means I readily and regularly thought about killing mass amounts of people for this cause, and it felt good.  I didn't indulge in the suffering aspect of negative thinking though, only the resulting disappearance of human beings was the ultimate goal. At this point, I was still engaging in positive thoughts and feelings more than the negative thoughts, but the balance was tipping under my nose in favor of negativity without me being aware of it in the slightest. It only felt satisfying to imagine the honor of relieving mother Earth of the pain caused by my own species, even if that meant going against my peaceful Nature to do so. It was for a good cause, a cause which we all strive for today... paradise... peace. I was very confident in my moral decisions derived from these conclusions, and so, I dedicated my efforts and my intentions towards a future of finding a way to eliminate as many human beings as I could. To me, my species was parasite that had the sole purpose of sucking the very beauty out of this perfect planet. The fact that I didn't care about whether we suffered or not for what we've done made me more confident, because I thought it was that which separated me from the monsters in my torturous experiences. Years went by, and things changed.

---

     Year after year my confidence swayed, and the hatred incited an increase in the intensity of my spiritual disease, a disease I like to call, "soul rot."  I was losing control of my negative thoughts and feelings, and I realized then that my mind was shaping into the very thing I resented the most... an individual who desires to cause the suffering of a being (in this case, human beings who caused suffering like in my tortuous experiences ... not just random humans) to please himself. Even though I initially didn't want to think about those things, during these times, when it came to me unintentionally starting a negative thought as such in response to remembering and feeling the pain of my past, I would delve into the temptation to play out that negative thought in my head... which was because it felt so good thinking about giving those certain humans a taste of their own medicine. It was a temporary and momentary relief... like a drug. Negative energy is chaotic, and hatred is a double edged sword that causes the desired destruction, but decays the soul of it's wielder. I couldn't stand it anymore.

---

    At 17 years of age, my realization of my lack of mental control started to get me to question my motives and desires, and my justifications for them. I became confused and lost, and I wanted to die yet again. Turmoil in my head made me start thinking I was going insane. Am I a good force in the Universe, or am I a bad one? I hadn't done anything with my hatred yet... I had not caused the suffering or death of any one living being intentionally. I always cared for animals and empathized with every being(even humans) very well, ever since I was young. I knew I was a very good hearted person inside, but I also realized my soul was twisted. My goals became fragmented, and my purpose became unknown... my reality shifted. Though I had the realization, I couldn't identify the problem and it's root source. I rechecked my reasons for everything in my life and I went over the pain of my experiences and everything was the same as it had always been. Nothing changed about my reasons and justifications after all of these years.. so I could not understand why things were so much different than before. Where's my confidence? Where's my control?

---

   Soon after that realization, with my inner self dwindling, I had an overly intense spiritual experience. That night, after the whole experience, I was relaxing in my bed and I had an OBE. This was briefly covered on my profile info. I'll quote myself from the past for clarification. Keep in mind that this upcoming quote is only a very, VERY vague summary of one part of this experience, the part where I meet "him." The entire experience,I could write a dictionary sized book about, yet it would convey nothing since writing or typing down, or even verbally conveying these things is such a limited way of communicating.

--------------------

    ---(edited)"About 4 years ago, I had a VERY intense spiritual experience in nature with my brother. After it had been enjoyed and I went to bed that night, I lay there fantasizing to one day live along reptiles like the ones that were shown to me when I was young (maybe not so big though lol). Getting lost in thought and laying relaxed on my back with both hands behind my head, I closed my eyes with a good feeling of inner peace and poof! My consciousness was in a watery like matrix with extremely detailed, indescribable energy-like matter swarming everywhere with the ability to push my awareness around in this. I had no body, I was just a shining ball of energetic existence.

   No matter how I explain this, there is no way for me to truly convey how this truly truly was, because it was just so unreal. There is absolutely no way to really explain it, or draw out what I'm explaining...  even if I was a master drawer. No words will work no matter how I say it, so I'm just going to skip get to the part where I communicate with him.


      I eventually reached this massive unique concentrated energy-mass just existing where it was. I automatically decided to extend myself(the energy that surrounded me... that was me) out to this energy and it also began extending itself and eventually intertwined with my energy like DNA. I sent my awareness through this extension and I was able to connect and communicate with what I knew was an entity before me. Our thoughts and feelings became one, but we were also able to converse as separate aspects of the same consciousness. A truly advanced form of communication through a full on consciousness connection.

      We shared our energy with each other though this connection and just started getting to know each other. It was obvious the differences in our energy, he was much bigger than I was... more spiritually advanced if you will... and his Nature was more at peace and relaxed, but intense, confident and complex where I seemed, in my senses, dull, but curious, and lacking maturity. The ecstasy of sharing energy like that was like nothing that could be experienced in this world.

       We were able to reach each other through our thoughts and energy/emotion/feelings that came from our very being. I learned all about him and he learned about me, and I "asked" him many questions about everything, from the world, to his favorite color lol. The more we knew about each other, the more our energies swelled and I could feel pure love emanating from his elegant energy as I described myself through my energy, and I expressed the same for him.

        He showed me his physical self with 3d scenarios within our energetic consciousness conversations, and from what I could make out and remember, he looked like a very large grey/white lizard with spectacular green/blue eyes(slit pupil) and a gigantic tail relative to his body. He showed that his species was one of expression too, but their Natures' have more control of themselves, being creatures of experience if you will, but still shows confidently their aura of positivity through their existence

             I look up to this specific divine consciousness like he's my spiritual father. I love and trust him so much. This kind of love will never fade. Just imagine something so much more spiritually advanced/complex than yourself expressing this love I speak of. Even though I was so dull and lacking development, he still showed this unrestricted care about me. He wanted to share his entirety with me so much, feeling that from him in that reality was just absolutely, incredible and wonderful. I'm feeling awesome right now just thinking about it, although I could never bring back that indescribable moment just by remembering and thinking about it. When I showed him how much I resented humanity, he was terribly insulted, I wondered why and so I explained my reasoning of why I hated humanity through my thoughts and energy, and all he did was convey that his species doesn't hate anything that lives; being, species, type of species, ect.. This experience was the entire reason I decided to confront my own hatred toward humanity and myself, and work against it. Without him, I would no doubt be in the most horrific negative state you could imagine... or dead."---

    Like I said in the last paragraph in the quote, out of the entire long experience, that one split moment within our thought conversations is what changed everything. I wanted to be just like him, more than anything in this world, so I made a crucial decision because of his spectacular existence and the fact that he and his species doesn't hate one living being in existence. Just by simply touching my soul, he healed it. Though I knew what I had to do, it wasn't as easy as snapping my fingers and letting go of all that pain and hate, so all I could do is hold onto my knowledge that... it had to go! I spent years approaching it, it gradually dwindled, and then I had a spiritual experience that allowed me to let it all go. It was on 7-12-2014, that I released my past and the feelings that kept my focus on that pain. After all those years of diminishing the basis of my hatred, I guess all I needed at that moment was a little push to break free of it.

    It was an awakening of sorts. I felt like a terrible weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I felt free, expressive, in touch with myself, and most of all, CONFIDENT! 

    I spent months being in a very, peaceful state and it felt good. Then on 11-17-2014, I had this experience...

https://forum.davidicke.com/showthread.php?t=285318

   This experience allowed me to consciously connect to my true self in a way that doesn't compare to any moment I had in this reality. It showed me the energy I produce when I fully connect to my true self. So I was able to feel my strong reptilian presence. The next day after the experience, I went through another reality shift. Everything about my 2 OBEs involving reptilian beings, on top of my total loyalty and respect for all forms of reptilian beings, was starting to fall in place. They are my true soul family, so I subconsciously respected them out of my hidden desire to love my family. This answered so many of the greatest questions I had about myself.

    A month after that, I remembered an article on starseeds that I had read a while ago, and I thought to myself, "If I'm a reptilian soul, doesn't that mean I'm a starseed?" I found this website and I signed up, thanks to some articles in the reptilian connection group... and here I am now. 

That's it! :)

   The moral of the story is that no matter what the justification, hatred for another being/species/type of species is a spiritual mistake. Justifications are excuses that enforces the illusion that it is right to think of, feel or do something we know is wrong for the right reasons. I can't help but see this in the people who exact hatred toward Reptilian beings based on their traumatizing past. Others just jump on the "I hate Reptilians" bandwagon just because people say your not "awake" unless you do hate us. Those people hate with no experiential value to back up their negative thoughts and feelings about my reptilian brothers and sisters. That's just people conforming and not going from within to find the answers. Relying on outside sources opens one up to deception, and I believe fully that the widespread hatred towards my family, the very hatred that engulfs the spiritual community, is a spiritual deception. That's another discussion for another time though. I do want to say though, that actively protecting something we love and treasure isn't wrong, but we must understand what constitutes "protection" and how we should go about executing that natural desire without becoming the very thing we are trying to oppose. 

    Another lesson here is, there is nothing good that comes from simmering in the negativity of a hurtful past. We have to find ways to let it go and move forward, or it could very well consume us. Let us live in, and focus on the present, not the past. I want to take something back actually, there is something good that comes out of simmering in this pain. It is to quickly learn about ourselves, others, and Nature as a whole.

   I feel that describing the spiritual outcome to this was also important, because perhaps someone can read what I went through and what mistakes I made, and learn something to help them on their journey. We are all connected. I am Nature and Nature is me. By this standard, I know that by me learning more about someone else, I have the opportunity to learn more about myself, and by someone else learning more about me, they can also have the chance to learn more about themselves. 

     I'm eager to read what everyone thinks... good or bad. It would be great to get some opinions about this post, because it's something I've never openly told anyone before... besides my brother.

   Thanks for Reading!

Tags: OBE, crusade, experience, hate, justification, love, misanthropy, overcome, pain, past, More…speciesism, spiritual, torture, trauma

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i feel you have over come many tramtic events and came out a good man peeps . i am honered to be you're friend.

Thank you much Mesha.

  [hugs]

^ . ^

you are most welcome my friend. :)

Do not dwell in the past. The past is the past. I think it is 10th time you post this thread, do you post other threads?

Nothing wrong examining the past. But dwelling in the past is not healthy.

The more we focus on our pain, the more we become our pain.

Is it just me who cannot understand your pain? what if I have went through the exact same, or 80% the exact same as your post.

My dreams are similar, slightly different theme, also torture. But thinking about torture, brings torture to my mind.

Notice the past, let past go.

-.-

actually, since being able to come back to ISN, this thread was taken down, and now there are only 50 views and this is my first bump thank you. If you don't like it don't click it.

^ . ^

Bumping a thread for people to read my story is not dwelling in the past, please do not tell me what I need to do. If you read it, this thread is about overcoming my past. It has been done and over with since a long time, and many others have a use for such a story.

I just hit the love button my own thread and I will be bumping it again soon just for you.

(winkwink)

haha!

;-)

Hi positive It is still fresh and raw.. I've been through it all and it takes time.. Take care brother,
Sending love xx

Thank you for reading! It is the accumulation of my life's story minus the last year and a half. Hehe!

  I decided to post a google cache snapshot of this article before it was taken down. This is to show how many views and loves I had prior to my unfortunate banning.

   I am not sure I can find and recover all of the comments, but I will try.

   It is a snapshot of the page as it appeared on Mar 25, 2016 23:11:09 GMT.

Commonly misinterpreted as being a proverb warning against hypocrisy. This is incorrect.

The actual meaning is closer to that of "if you can't take it, don't dish it out".

if you are a type of person who is easily offended, do not go around offending people unless you can handle being offended yourself.

okay?

   I only posted the screenshot to show what I had many loves and views prior to the recent occurrences. It wasn't my intention to offend anyone.

^ . ^

   For that, I would have to un-live some of my experiences

XD

   ...but thanks anyhow

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